Category: dirty jokes

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’.

What should you do if you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub?

Throw in a load of laundry.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

What does walking a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and having an 80 year old woman give you a blow job have in common?You just have to remember one thing…Don’t look down!!

A woman goes into the doctors office and says “Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they don’t smell…In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!”

The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, “Take these for a week and then come back to see me.”

A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, “Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?”

Doctor: ” Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing…”

i had a wet dream last night
you got run over by a bus and i pissed myself laughing

One morning a husband awoke and decided he wanted to go duck hunting.

He woke his wife and told her, “You have three choices: Either go duck hunting with me, let me fuck you in the ass, or give me a blow job. I have to run out get the dog, and load the truck. You’d better decide by the time I get back.”

He returned after a while, and said to his wife, “Well, what have you decided to do?”

To which she replied, “Well, I sure don’t want to go duck hunting, and I’m sure the hell not going to let you fuck me in the ass, so I guess I’ll give you a blow job.”

She begins to suck on his dick, and all the sudden stops and begins spitting and choking.

He said to her, “What’s the problem?” And she replied, “My god, your dick tastes like shit!”

He replied, “Oh yeah, the dog didn’t want to go duck hunting either.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “Shit” said the hypnotist.It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

The neightbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn’t worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”

if a 12″ dick was coming out of your forehead would you see it? no the balls would be covering your eyelids.

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes’ gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes’ bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.”Good God Holmes!” said Watson, “What kind of a schoolgirl is this?””Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.”

Did you hear about the experimental line of Lesbian running shoes?
They’re called Dike’s, but they never sold very well,
the tongues weren’t long enough.