Category: dirty jokes

This bloke is standing by the bedside of his dying boyfriend,
with a tear in his eye he watches him slip away into the next world.

One of the docters quietly comes up behind him and says
“I know this is a bad time for you, but we need to know what you want
done with the body, you know buried, cremated?”

The chap thinks for a while, crying quietly, and finaly says
“I’d like him curried please”

“Curried!” all the docters say in unision “Why?”

“I want to feel him slide out of my ass one more time!”

why did micheal jackson and squirel cross the road and go back?

they both forgot their NUTS!!

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.The instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A basketball coach?”

What’s the difference between 200 blow jobs and a blimp?

– One’s a good year and one’s a great year!

Dirty Ernie goes to school. His first class is
English, and the teacher wants the kids to say
what they ate for breakfast and spell it.

The first girl says “toast t o a s t.”

The second boy says “eggs e g g s.”

Dirty Ernie says “fuckin nothing f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.”

The teacher stands him
in the corner till lunch.

After lunch Dirty Ernie is allowed to take his seat. The first class after
lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border
lies.

Dirty Ernie shoots up his hand and says, “He’s at home on top of my
mom. That’s why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!”

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.”I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.”Ahh, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.”Sir, remember ? I’m the blind man.””I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.”Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says�”Hey! I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”

What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?Two Test Tickles

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?

A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, “That looks like a cum stain!”

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. “Smells like a cum stain too!”

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, “Yep, but it’s nobody from this building.”

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves.

So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

One week later, she went to get some cat food.

Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat.

So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something .

She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them.

When the cashier did, he said, “It smells like poop!”

The old lady replied, “It is! Can I buy some toilet paper now?”

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s rest room?
A: Say, “Nice dick.”

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts!

Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day.
What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.