Category: dirty jokes

Your momma is so fat that she thought that the worlds largest potato was a jelly bean.

Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams every night?

A. Hanson.

What do Monica Lewinsky and a coke machine have in common??

Answer: They both say insert Bill’s

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.”Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop.”Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t’ do it again.”The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.” Chuck’s face lit up. “Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!”

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said “I’d like a steak, a potato, and a Coke please.”So the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter. The barman came over and said “Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!” The panda calmly replied “Do you know what I am?””Why yes,” the barman answered.”You’re a panda.””Good,” the panda nodded.”Now go home and look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary.”And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend’s murder, so he went home to find his dictionary. After a while, he found ‘panda’ and quickly read the definition: PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

THE KIDDIE PICK…When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK…When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH…When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT…You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS…When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTO PICK…The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS…Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE…When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL…No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK…Ditto.

PICK AND STICK…You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAY DIRT…The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

How did the mother know her daughter was masterbating during her period?

She was caught red-handed.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell.

A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.”

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.”

One day, it was actually the first day of school and there teacher could not make it so a sub was asigned the job. And this sub just happened to be a blonde. The sub was mad because she had the craving to rip off her boyfriends head off for cheating on her. So in the heat of the momment the teacher said everyone who wants to fuck me please stand up and all the boys stood up then the teacher had relized what she had said but she really needed this so one by one the a boy was called in the closet and was fucked. At the end of the day the teacher said every boy who is happy please stand up and they all stood up the next day there actual teacher came back the boys waited for the question when ther questiopn did not come up a boy stood up in the middle of the class and said treacher when are you goiung to fuck us.

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”Priest: “What have you done my child?”Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”Priest: “Like this?”(as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.”Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”Priest: “Like this?”(as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.”Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.”Priest: “Like this?”(as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father.”Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”Priest: “Like this?”(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”

What do Monica Lewinsky and a coke machine have in common??Answer: They both say insert Bill’s