Category: dirty jokes

Vinnie walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, “I want to buy some toilet paper.”She says, “What colour would you like?”He says, “Give me white. I’ll colour it myself.”

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in West Virginia as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other-wise, it’s total peace and quiet.After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded West Virginian standing there. “Name’s Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Havin’ a party Saturday. Thought you’d like to come.””Great,” says Sam. “After six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you, there’s gonna be some drinkin’.””Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them.”Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’, too.”Damn, Sam thinks… tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.””Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam. “Remember I’ve been alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear to the party?”Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want. It’s just gonna be the two of us.”

Your sister is like a bowling ball.

First she gets picked up, then fingered, then thrown in the gutter, and the bitch keeps coming back for more!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.”As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes,” said the genie, “But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.”The man’s most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.”Let’s see. My first wish is…”He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, “…to live in a ten story luxury mansion.’ The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.”Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable.” said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.”What is your final wish, Master?’ asked the genie.”I want to lose a testicle,” said the man.

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

“To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.”

“Of course,” she smiled.

“I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.”

The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!

“What does SHE have that I don’t?” She screeched.

He looked up at her and smiled.

“Parkinsons,” he replied.

This couple happened to be driving through the State Park when they past a sign stating “Don’t feed the animals.” while driving alittle further they happen upon another sign stating “Don’t touch the animals.” While proceeding alittle further they happen across another sign stating “Don’t kill the animals.” Just then a thumping occurs under the car. They stop and the husband gets out to see that they have run down a skunk. As he peers up, he sees a park policeman on patrol heading towards them and grabs the skunk, throwing it in on his wife’s lap. He jumps back into the car and his wife screams at him “What am I suppose to do with this?” “Put it under your dress,” he says.”But it stinks,” she replys.”Well plug it’s nose,” he says.

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?” “Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!” The mother is stunned.”You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.” Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.” “That’s right, Dad.” “Well, you became a man today – this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.” “That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.”Just place this between your cheek and gum.”The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.”And what if I swallow it?””No problem,” says the barber.”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “the bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,”Vive la France!” and runs himself through.The Englishman says, “a pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and pulls the trigger.The New Yorker says, “gimme the fawkin’ fork.” the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.The chief is appalled, and asks, “my God almighty, what are you doing?”The New Yorker says, “so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!”

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for
women. This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her
she can just go to work.

This chick goes to her docter and tells him that she can�t get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says �they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens�.

So she does and the next morning come back and says “the sex was great what if I use ten?�

And the docter replied �they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens�.

So the next day she comes back and says �the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens.

The next morning a little boy walks up and says. �my mother�s dead, my sister�s pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.”