Category: dirty jokes

Why does a dog lick himself?

– Because he can’t make a fist.

ok so there are three hobos 2 blacks and one white. they find this piece of bologna. the white guy say lets sleep to nite and who ever wakes up the earliest get the pieces. when they woke up the bologna was gone. we al was a sleep lat nite said the black guys. the white guy said i have a confesion to make
yankie doodle went to town riding on a donkey when u niggas went to slepp i stole the damn bologna

One day a lady went to the doctors’ office
and told the doctor that her husband wasn’t
interested in her any more he just wouldn’t
have sex with her anymore.

So the doctor went into the back of the shop
and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her
that “if you give your husband one of these
pills then he would have sex with you.”

So she bought the pills and took them home.
She put one in his dinner and he ate it.
They had sex till midnight. The next day
she thought it was so good that she wanted
some more. so she put two in his dinner and
they had sex till twelve noon the next day.
She thought it was so good that she put all
of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.

Three weeks later a little kid was outside
screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked
him what was wrong the little kid said, “My
mom is dead, my sister is pregnent, my asshole
hurts and my dad is in there on the floor
saying, here kitty kitty kitty”

Have you heard the one about the . . . .

. . . executive who was so old that when he chased his secretary around
the
desk, he couldn’t remember why.

A little boy named little Johny runs upto his mom from outside and says “Mommy, can little girls have babies?” “Oh course not” replies the mom and starts chopping some onions.”Great!” Then little Johny runs outside and yells “ITS OK! WE CAN PLAY THE GAME AGAIN!”

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman.

A microwave doesn’t scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles? People say he was half-nuts!

My name is Delores, and I have a Snotty Nose! All my friends tell me to grab tissue, but I say NO! I do not think that is necessary! I think my cousins best friends brothers sleeve looks much softer! so I blew and I blew and I mean I BLEW! And beleive me, I have not blown my nose for 8 years! thanx for listenin!

A guy gets on a bus and sees this nun. He askes the bus driver “where can i meet her?”
The bus driver says “well” “ummm” “you can meet her at the church at 5:00pm on friday night but she wont just shag any man that comes up to her” “ok” says the man. So he goes to the church at 5:00pm on friday night dreesed as god and walks up to the nun and says” hi im god and i want to shag ya” the nun says yes. After they have both finished doing their bits the guy gets up and puts the suit back on and says to the nun “HA” “im not god im the guy off the bus” then the nun says “HA im not the nun, im the bus driver!!!!!!!!!!

A little girl the age of three years old walks into the bath room and see her daddy naked in the bath, she looks at her dads penis and says “Daddy whats that” her dad was quite imbarrased by this and said ” oh its my dolly” the little girl said oh so can i play with ur dolly” and her daddy said “yes of course”.

The next day she went down stairs and said “daddy can i play with ur dolly again” her daddy replied ” Yes ok dolly would like that but we will have to play in ur bedroom today”.

Next morning her mum went into the little girls bedroom and said “oh my whats all this blood in ur bed” the little girl replied ” Daddys dolly spat at me so I bit its head off”

Hallmark Cards That Never Made It I’m Sorry!My tire was thumping,I thought it was flat.When I looked at the tire,I noticed your cat! Get Well SoonYou had your bladder removed,and you’re on the mend.Here’s a bouquet of flowersAnd a box of Depends. Bad HangoverYou totaled your carAnd can’t remember why.Could it have beenthat case of Bud Dry? Cheer UpHeard your wife left you,How upset you must be,But don’t fret about it,She moved in with me!

Vinnie walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, “I want to buy some toilet paper.”She says, “What colour would you like?”He says, “Give me white. I’ll colour it myself.”