Category: dirty jokes

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Extract from an Australian Mills & Boon (one of those romance books)We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in thenow damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun meltedinto the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:”Baaaa”, then re-joined the flock.

An 83-year old woman decided that she’d seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn’t certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, “That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?”

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, “I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend.”

“Wow,” exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.

“No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house.”

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, “What did you do?”

“I walked over to my wife,” the man replied, “looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out.”

“That makes sense,” said the bartender, “but what about your best friend?”

The man replied, “I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, ‘BAD DOG!'”

Q:Why did the joke team not make any jokes?
A:because they played old jokes!

Harry answers the telephone, and it’s an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.”

Harry says, “My God!… What’s the good news?”

The doctor says, “I’m kidding. She’s dead!”

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

There was this lady (who was a butcher) whose husband always farted really loud at night! She hated it because they stunk so badly! So one night she told her husband that if he kept farting like that at night, then his guts would come out. He didn’t believe her but she told him, “Honey, I’m a butcher. I should know.”But he still wouldn’t listen to her. So that night she went to her butcher shop and got a big chunk of raw pig guts. When she got home she stuck it in her husbands pants. And of course, he farted really loudly as usual. The next morning when they woke up her husband went to the bathroom. He was in there for a pretty long time so his wife said to him, “Honey, is everything okay. You’ve been in there for a while.”He replied, “Yeah, everything’s fine.”5 minutes later he finally came out of the bathroom. His wife asked him, “So did your guts come out like I said they would?”He replied, “Yep, but being the smart person I am, I took two fingers and stuck them right back up there!”

There was this lady (who was a butcher) whose husband always farted really loud at night! She hated it because they stunk so badly! So one night she told her husband that if he kept farting like that at night, then his guts would come out. He didn’t believe her but she told him, “Honey, I’m a butcher. I should know.”

But he still wouldn’t listen to her. So that night she went to her butcher shop and got a big chunk of raw pig guts. When she got home she stuck it in her husbands pants. And of course, he farted really loudly as usual. The next morning when they woke up her husband went to the bathroom. He was in there for a pretty long time so his wife said to him, “Honey, is everything okay. You’ve been in there for a while.”

He replied, “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

5 minutes later he finally came out of the bathroom. His wife asked him, “So did your guts come out like I said they would?”

He replied, “Yep, but being the smart person I am, I took two fingers and stuck them right back up there!”

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news” the doctor says.

“What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

“The bad news is that unfortunately you’ve only got 3 months to live”.

The patient is taken back, “What’s the good news then Doctor?”.

The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, “You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?”, the patient nods his head and the doctor replies, “I’m fucking her.”

Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco one filled with lesbians and the other filled with gays. Who got there first and why?

The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gays were still at home packing their shit.

It’s your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him
off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as
he
approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head
bravely.
He has more experience, but it is the first time his finger has found
the
right place. He probes deeply and you shiver: your body tenses, but
he’s
gentle like he promised he’d be! He looks deeply into your eyes and
tells you to trust him —- he’s done this many times before. His cool
smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for any easy
entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he goes very
slowly, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses
closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges through-
out your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks concerned and asks you if it’s too painful…. Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He
begins moving in and out with skill but you are now to numb to feel him
within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting
within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting, glad to have it
over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle,
that
and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a
tooth
pulled!