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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbour was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat.”
Q. Dad, what’s a transvestite?
A. I don’t know, ask your mother, he’ll know!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but what’s the BEER for?”At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!”
Little Red Riding Hood was already to take lunch over to her grandmothers when her mother had handed her a shotgun.”Now, little red, you must be careful of the Big Bad Wolf,” her mother explained.”He will lift up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off.” “Ok, I will mother.” red assured her.While going down the trail out came the big bad wolf just like her mother had warned.”Little Red Riding Hood! I’m going to lift you little red dress up, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off!”Well with no hesitation, the wolf pulled up Little Red Riding Hood’s little red dress and pulled down Little Red Riding Hood’s little red panties, but just then with a clam and collected look, Little Red Riding Hood points the shot gun to the Big Bad Wolf’s head and says, “Your not going to screw my little red socks off. Your going to EAT me just like the book says!”
On top of Mount Everest.
All covered with sand.
I shot my poor sister.
With a red rubber band.
I shot her with glory.
I shot her with pride.
How could have I missed her.
Shes fifty-feet wide.
I went to her funeral.
I went to her grave.
Some people threw flowers.
I threw a grenade.
I opened her coffin.
She didnt look dead.
So i took a bazooca.
And blew off her head!!!!!!!
The most recent survey about women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs.Another 15 percent preferred muscular legs.The rest liked something in-between.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAN WHO FELL FROM THE SKY HE FELL WITH A FUD.
BY.PHILIP GALLAGHER ABERDEEN
This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.”Doctor I think I have the crabs.””When was the last time you had sex?”The doctor asks.”I have never had sex. I’m still a virgin.”she replied.The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.After the examination he said, “I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don’t have the crabs. The bad news is you’ve got fruit flies.””Fruit flies?”asks granny.”Yeah,” says the doctor.”Your cherry rotted.”
A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. �I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.� “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”
There’s a guy who owns a parrot which never talks.
So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice.
The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is.
“Your parrot has too much hook in it’s beak, what you have to do is file its beak back and it will be able to talk just fine.
You’ve got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink.”
The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100.
So the parrot fancier decides he’ll do it himself.
A week or so later they bump into one another in the street.
The pet shop guy enquires, “How is your parrot, is it talking yet?”
The parrot owner says, “The parrot’s dead.”
Pet shop guy says “I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?”
Ex-parrot owner says, “Shit no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is � it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!”, shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, “I bet I know what it is � it’s a box of candy!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?”, she asked.
“No”, the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?”, she asked.
“No”, the boy answered.
“What is it?”
“A puppy!”
One day there was two children playing doctor. A girl and a boy. The boy liftes his shirt and points at his nipples and said “I’ve got two of these, how about you?”So the little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy showed her his belly button. And the girl showed him hers. The little boy now getting upset, pulls dowm his drawers and points at his penis. The little girl pulled up her skirt and pushed her underwear to the side, but she searched and searched see couldn’t find it. The little boy taunted her for about 5 minutes, then the girl ran home. Soon enough she returned to the boy’s house and said ” My mommy told me when I’m 15 years old, I could have has much of those as I want!”