Category: dirty jokes

Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour’s 10 year old daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it’s cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it’s grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it’s cage, hoping it’s death would be written off as “natural causes”.

Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour’s Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: “DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage??”

St Peter is standing at Heaven’s gate when a man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.””Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”A few moments later a second man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers.””Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”A few moments later a third man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.”I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir.””Excellent my son… I’ve gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?”

your daddy so bold when he were’s a turtle neck he looks like a broken condom

Small group of OSCE officials, followed by Serbian police is travelling on a highway somewhere in the zone of recent heavy fights. Soon they come across several bodies beside the road.”What is this?” An officer of OSCE asks Serbian policeman.”They probably ate these poisonous mushrooms.” he says pointing to some growing nearby, “There are so many of them around here,”They continue their travel. But after few miles they come across similar picture. Again an officer of OSCE asks police what all this mean.”Well, sir, I am quite sure that they too are dead because of the mushrooms” says a policeman.”Why the hell they have holes in their heads, then?” Shouted the officer.”They refused to eat mushrooms, sir” responded another policeman.

What’s the toughest thing to get out of a thirteen year old’s underwear?

Michael Jackson.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Why does Peter Pan fly?You would fly too if somebody hit your peter with a pan!

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.”Follow me.”he said, opening the gate and walking in.After some walk, Saint Peter’s keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn’t resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.Saint Peter was furious.”If you do that again, you’ll go straight to hell! Follow me, we’re almost there.”After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.”Why is it so god damn cold down here?”Peter asks.”Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!” The devil replied.

One day ryan kent went over to his girl friends house to watch t.v. When Ryans girl frined got really close, he got some led in his pencil and got emberresed becouse his pants started to stick up. Now he was really embarresed because his girlfriend asked him what it was. He said that it was a banana he had been saving to eat. His girl friend said ok, but im hungry arent you, can i have a bit of the banana.Ryan said that it was a pencil and his girl friend said ok, but i need to finish some home work will you help me.So her and ryan went up stairs to do some homework.Then thay went up stairs and he pulled down his over alls and his girl friends eyes get big and she says” holy shit thats the littlest thing ive ever seen”. Then she slappes it and said i had to do some homework and eat a banana, not look at a little worm.

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society….

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to
perform more childcare tasks — especially cleaning up spills and
“little accidents.”

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorites store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting US presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gasses back
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors”

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked
about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and
Presidential Strength versions.

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, “My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.”The second little boy pipes up, “Well, my Dad smokes too! and he can blow smoke out of his ears.”The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.””Really, have you seen it?” reply the boys.The third boy responds, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains in his underwear.”

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Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.