Category: dirty jokes

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer.

As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped.

He said, “Those hives are pretty close to the road.” The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight.

If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn’t stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.

The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. “Oh no,” the farmer thought, “he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!”

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

“No, no, I’m okay I guess,” gasped the naked man. “I have no choice, do I? I’ll pay you double for the farm… but doesn’t that calf have a mother?”

Q: What’s the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer? A: The taste.

Harry and Mary wanted to play golf so they hired a tutor.
Harry was taught first. He was asked to show the tutor what he could do. He hit it 200 yds. The tutor asked him to hold the club like he would his wife large breasts. He hit it 500 yds. Mary come out next and hit it 50 yds. The tutor asked her to hold the club like she would her husbands penis. She hit the ball 100 yds. The tutor told her it was fine but next time to take the club out of her mouth.

Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.

He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.

His business manager says, “Sean, what’s the story? Do you need an
operation or something?”

Sean Connery says, “No, it’s just that every time I go into a public
restroom, and I’m taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards
me and says,
“Hey! Are you Sean Connery?”

HOW MANY BABIES CAN YOU PUT IN A SANDWICH DEPENDS HOW THINELY YOU SLICE THEM.Y DO U PUT A BABY IN FEET FIRST IN A BLENDER…SO U CAN SEE ITS FACIAL EXPRESSION.WATS 4FT LONG AND MAKES MOTHERES CRY.COTT DEATH

your mama is so old she has an autographed bible by Jesus

Q: What kind of wood does not float?

A: Natalie Wood!

How do you teach a blonde math? Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, insert you square root, leave your solution and let’s hope she don’t multiply.

Ten ways to annoy the person in the next toilet…

1. Grunt and strain really loudly for 30 seconds and then drop a rock melon into the bowl from a height of 2 m. Release a relaxed sigh.

2. Fill up a large flask with pumpkin soup. Squirt it erratically under the wall of your neighbor while yelling, ‘Whoa! Easy big boy!’

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under your neighbor�s wall. Then say, ‘Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?’

5. Say, ‘C’mon Mr Happy, don’t fall asleep on me!’

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.

7. Say, ‘Damn, this water’s cold.’

8. Say, ‘Hmm, I’ve never seen that color before.’

9. Say, ‘Interesting… more floaters than sinkers.’

10. Drop a marble and say, ‘Oh shit, my glass eye.’

A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!” She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

My friend Jim is a pretty wild and
crazy guy who sometimes gets bored
and has to dream up new and exiting ways to get his kicks.
One afternoon, Jim put a frog in his shirt pocket and walked into a
local drinking establishment. The cocktail waitress came over and asked
him what he would like to drink. After taking his order, the waitress
said, “Hey, what’s with the frog in your pocket?”
Jim said, “Oh, the frog eats pussy.”
The waitress just smiled and got Jim his drink. About 15 minutes later,
the waitress came over and asked Jim if she could borrow his frog for a
while. Jim said sure, and the waitress hurried off to the back room with
the frog. A half hour or so passed, and Jim figured he better go check up
on his frog. He walked into the back room to find the waitress lying down
on a table in the appropriate position, with the frog in the appropriate
place, and everything else quite appropriate (use your imagination).
The waitress said, “Hey mister, this frog doesn’t do anything.”
Jim said, “Get out of the way frog, now this is the last time I am going to
show you how to do this.”

This couple were going on there first date.The guy had gone to pick his date up for dancing her father goes.”You two going dancing””The boy replyed yes and her dad says””She loves to screw she’d screw all night if she could””.A few hours later she comes and yells at her dad””Daddy!!!!!!It’s called the twist.

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