Category: dirty jokes

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

14. Do you know what drag is? It’s when a man wears everything a lesbian won’t.

15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What’s the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. What’s the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One’s a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Two men were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog.

All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.

One of the men looked down and said, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”

The other man leaned around and said, “Go ahead, he looks like he’s friendly…”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

ART FART= it’s such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don’t stink.ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.TIRE FART= You can’t control the blow out.BEER FARTS= These come out of every ‘can’ and smell like warm beer.JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.GHOST FART= You can’t hear it, you can’t see it, and you can’t smell it.HOME ALONE FART= When you’re home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as ‘gas’.OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper “PIG!”U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a “Unidentified Foul Odor”.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.”I’m sorry sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.”Ahh, yes that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.”Sir, remember ? I’m the blind man.””I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.”Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says�”Hey! I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

Social worker – “We should give these seats to the children”. Lawyer – “Dont be stupid, fuck the children!” Catholic priest – “Do you really think we’ve got time”?

Baa Baa Black Sheep have you had a fuck, yes sir yes sir had it with a duck, had it with a hosre and a big fat hen, got a scabby dick and never fucked again

peter peter pumpkin eater had a wife
loved to beat her. Smacked her twice
across the head,fucked her ass and went
to bed.

A blind man applies for a job at a saw mill.

The owner interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he is interested in. The blind man says “Inspecting wood.”
The owner laughs and says “But you’re blind!”

The blind man replies, “Test me! I can sniff any wood and tell you what it is.”

The owner agrees, and gives him a piece of wood to smell, “Tell me what kind of wood this is.”

The blind man plainly replies “It’s pine.”

The owner looking surprised grabs another piece and sticks it under the blind mans nose. The blind man says it is mohagany.

The owner thinks for a bit, then says, “I have one more piece for you to smell.”

He gets his secretary to sit spread-eagle on his desk and he asks the blind man what kind it is, pushing his head toward the secretary’s crotch.

The blind man replies, “Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!
Thats the shit-house door off of a tuna trolley!”

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?””Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”

what if you were fixing a bowl of cereal and when you took the first bite, it was PORKIN’ beans and cereal?What if your knees were coconuts?What if you opened up your backpack and there was an evil, bloody baby inside?What if you were eating a candy bar and it had PORKIN’ beans instead of peanuts?What if somebody stabbed you in your asshole with a used cake knife?What if a gross, hairy eyeball was crawling up your leg?What if you took a shower with a stinking, dead heart of an armadillo instead of soap?What if you were stuck in a small, pitch-black closet with a thousand nasty sewer rats, and they were crawling over your body, especially your knees, neck, and mouth?What if you were brushing your hair with a used tampon?What if you bit into an apple and it was filled with cottage cheese – small curd?What if you were ugly?What if you were having sex with a diseased billy goat?What if you took a bath in sweat from a woman named Bertha?What if you had fresh produce and this sweaty cashier with nastiness on his hands touched it?What if your skin was peanut brittle?What if your skin was stucco?What if your toes were penises?What if your gel deodorant was mayonnaise?What if your nuts were bleeding bile?What if your eyes were nipples?What if (you were a woman) you took off your maxi pad and it had boo boo in the front of it?What if someone put pepper in your cereal?What if GOD was one of us?

An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, “7 points!”His wife looked at him and said, “What the hell are you doing?” He simply replied, “Just playing bed football.”Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, “Tie game – 7,7.”The husband’s competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining… when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, “Now what’s the score?” He said, “Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!”

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer.

As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped.

He said, “Those hives are pretty close to the road.” The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight.

If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn’t stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.

The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. “Oh no,” the farmer thought, “he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!”

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

“No, no, I’m okay I guess,” gasped the naked man. “I have no choice, do I? I’ll pay you double for the farm… but doesn’t that calf have a mother?”