Yours Fun Portal !
John receives a phone call.
“Hello,” he answers.
The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan.
We met at a party about 3 months ago.”
John: “hmmm… Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?”
Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”
John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?”
Susan: “Well, I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”
John: “Say, you really ARE a good sport!”
How to prepare toilet paper………….Just brown it and throw it in the pot!!
Why do white people go to yard sales in the ghetto?
To get there shit back!
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, “Deepest Condolences,” and sent the card to the funeral home that said, “I know it’s hot where you’re going, but you deserve it!
Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other.In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up and says to the man next to him, “Let me out, I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had and I’ve got to get to her NOW!” The other guy says, “O.K. Do you want me to come with you?””What the hell for?” asks the other.”Because that’s MY dick you’re holding!” he says.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “the bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,”Vive la France!” and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, “a pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and pulls the trigger.
The New Yorker says, “gimme the fawkin’ fork.” the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, “my God almighty, what are you doing?”
The New Yorker says, “so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!”
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “Shit” said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man’s wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,”You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don’t worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.”
there were three guys, a black guy, a white guy, and a puerto rican guy.the white guy walks in a hotel and says”i would like to rent a room please.”” the other guy says.”” ok all we have is 114 B.”” the white guy says””ok i will take it.”” so he walks in the room and hears a voice say””i got you where i want you now im going to eat you.”” so the white guy jumps out the window.
the puerto rican guy walks into the hotel and asks””i would like to rent a room please.”” the other guy says””ok all we have is 114 B.””the puerto rican guy says””ok i will take it.”” so he walks into the room and hears a voice say””i got you where i want you now im going to eat you.”” so the puerto rican guy jumps out the window.
then the black guy walks into the hotel and asks””i would like to rent a room please.”” the other guy says”” all we have is 114 B.””the black guy says””ok i will take it.””so he walks into the room and hears a voice say””i got you want you now im going to eat you.”” so the black guy follows the voice to the closet and opens it and sees a guy picking his nose saying””i got you where i want you and now im going to eat you.””
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What do a bungee jump and hooker have in common?They’re both fast, cheap, and if the rubber breaks your dead!
There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man’s wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,”You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don’t worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back.”
your momams so poor when someone walks in the
house and steps on her lit cigeret thats lieing on the floor , she yells WHO TURNED OFF THE HEAT