Category: dirty jokes

WHY DOES KIMEY WEAR RAINBOW PANES BECAUSE SOME ONE TOLD HER IF SHE WEARS RAINBOW PANES SHE WOULD FIND GOLD AT THE END

A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.”Are you all right?” he asks.”You’re just a blur,” she says, “So my sight is clearly affected.”Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.”How many fingers have I got up?” he asks her.”Oh shit!” she replies, “I must be paralysed from the waist down as well.”

i am a little girl i have a little thing when i go to bed i stick my finger in now im a lot older and my things lost its charms it needs five fingers and half a fucking arm

A fellow went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss. “You’re
fired, and there may be a summons for your arrest out of this!” the boss
exclaimed.

The fellow then started to drive home when the steering went out
on his car and he ran into a carload of nuns. After the policeman let him
go with the collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to
find out that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his
insurance ran out last week.

On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found
out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and
emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and
saw the fire engines heading down his street. Upon arriving
at his house, he discovered that it was indeed his house on fire. The fire
chief was sure that it was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the
insurance company, he found that the homeowner’s insurance also had been
cancelled.

By now the fellow was somewhat depressed and went into the local
bar. As he was telling his troubles to the bartender the bartender said,
“You’ve got the chance of a lifetime. All your obligations are gone and you
can start all over. Why don’t you take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry
Hill,
pick huckleberries, and go door to door selling them.”

Well, this sounded O.K. to the fellow, so off he went. After picking
most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At the first house
he
stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take all his huckleberries
but would he mind coming around to the back door. As the fellow got to the
back door the woman opened it and was totally nude. (And not hard on the
eyes.)

The fellow just broke down and was weeping hysterically. The woman was
quite
beside herself and asked what the problem was. The fellow answered “I’ve
lost
my job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my
money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now
I’m going to be screwed out of my huckleberries.”

the sad life of a penis
– Only have 1 eye
– hair is a mess
– skin is wrinkly
– relatives are nuts
– neighbors an ass holl and
best friends a cunt.

One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didn’t know how to play golf, so her husband signed her up for lessons. So the following week, she went to her first lesson. The insructor explained the way that she was supposed to stand and what position would be best for her. Then he tried to show her how to handle the club, it wasn’t working out very well, so he told her to pretend that the club was her husband’s manhood. At the end of the lesson the instructor said this, “Ma’am, you did very well for your first lesson, but next week let’s try to keep the club out of your mouth.”

Your so ugly you jumped in the water and the water jumped out.

Your teeth are so yellow you spit out butter.

Your mamma’s so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and said, “Hey wheres my gumball?””

“

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said, ‘I’m sorry, but we cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.’The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, ‘No, you might have a snake in there.’The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, ‘That smells like shit.’The little old lady said, ‘It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?’

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?The answer is below, but think about it first…??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? Answer: Don’t look down.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?

A blonde let’s you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead let’s you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

John receives a phone call.

“Hello,” he answers.
The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan.
We met at a party about 3 months ago.”

John: “hmmm… Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?”

Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”

John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?”

Susan: “Well, I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”

John: “Say, you really ARE a good sport!”