Category: dirty jokes

Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night.

Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?

Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladdin?

Janet: No, just a pizza and video

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Guy goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My penis is
orange.” Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he
can check. Damned if the guy’s penis isn’t orange. Doc tells the guy,
“This
is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress
in a person’s life.”

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, “How
are
things going at work?” The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks
ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy
responds, “No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of
overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I
found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I’m
getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really
great guy.” So the doc figures this isn’t the reason.

He asks the guy, “How’s your home life?” The guy says, “Well, I got
divorced about eight months ago.” The doc figures that this has got to be
the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, “No. For years, all I
listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old
bitch.”
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?” The guy replies,
“No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and
munch
on Cheetos.”

Defence Attorney: What is your age?Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defence Attorney: Did you know him?Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.Defence Attorney: Why not?Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.Defence Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.Defence Attorney: Why not?Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!Defence Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “take me, young man, Take me!”Defence Attorney: Did he take you?Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!

One evening a girl goes to her father and asks, “Dad, can I borrow the car tonight?” Her father says yes, but under one condition. The daughter has to give him a blow job.

Wel, the girl really wants the car, so agrees. After a few seconds she says, “Dad, your penis taste like shit!”

Her father says, “Yeah, that’s because your brother wanted to borrow the car earlier.”

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn’t touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. “Hey pal, is something wrong?””Yeah,… I’m really depressed””Why, what’s the matter?””I caught my wife in bed with my best friend””Wow, that’s horrible. What did you do?””I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing it’s over””That’s pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?””I sat him down… tied him up… looked him straight in the eye… and said… Bad Dog! Bad Dog!”

Did u hear about the farmer who took 40 viagra thinkin they were sleepin pills???
He went 2 bed and had 40 wanks!!!!

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.”That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.”Yes Sir!” , he announced to the crowd. “This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware””I don’t want any bloody glasses”, the drunk replied. “Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.”

There was a teacher getting ready for class and she was waiting for 3 boys to arrive.
The first boy comes in the class with no pants on but is wearing a t-shirt and undies.
The teacher ask” Where have you been?”
The boy says “I went on Blueberry Hill”.
The second boy enters the class with no t-shirt on but is wearing pants and undies.
The teacher asks” Where have you been?”
The boy says “I went on Blueberry Hill?”
The third boy enters the class with no pants and undies but is wearing a t-shirt.
The teacher asks him ” Where have you been?”
The boys says ” I went on Blueberry Hill”.
Now this girl enters the class with nothing on. The teacher says ” I suppose you went on Blueberry Hill, right?”
And the girl says ” No miss, I am Blueberry Hill”.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

“Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks.

“Boy,” is the man’s response.

“Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there”, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.”

The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”

The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.”

Why do women like hunters?

1. They go deep into the bush
2. They always shoot twice
3. They always eat what they shoot

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.Next she picked up a hacksaw.The terrified husband, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to… to… cut it off, are you?”The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, “No, You are!!! I’m going to set the garage on fire.