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A teenage couple went to the guy’s house and wanted to have sex.
They go into the guy’s bedroom and got on the top bunk. His brother is on the bottom bunk so they decided to use code words; lettuce for harder and tomato for faster.
So they’re saying lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato etc…
The brother wakes up and says “Would you guys stop making sandwiches? You’re getting mayonnaise all over my face!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
A friend of Stevie Wonder bought him a cheese grater for Christmas. A few weeks later the chap met up with the star again and asked him what he thought of the present.”Man!” replied Stevie.”That was the most violent book I’ve ever read!”
A woman who had very bad diarrhoea was anally raped by six men.
It was a shitty shitty gang bang.
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It’s not proper to walk around without any panties on.”
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says…
“Lady, take this money and for God’s sake, go buy yourself a razor!”
12. Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.11. Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.8. “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.6. Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.3. Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.
A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but what’s the BEER for?”At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!”
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl’s feet.”What’s this,” she asked.”Taste it,” he replied, “If you like it, I’ll give you a whole one!”
Johni the queer decides to change his gender, he saves his money for years
and finally goes to the operation.
One week later he returns to the bar, and now he/she is a
beautifull blonde. His/her friend ask him/her “Hey tell us,
how that operation was like?”
“Well,” he/she says, “it was the worst experience I had in my life!”
“Why?” asks the friend.
“Well, when they put the tits, it was acking like hell. when they cut off
my dick, I felt as I could die. but then the worst was when they start
cutting half of my brain… “
Little Johnny is in class and the teacher is at the chalk board. She turns to the class after putting the letter “S” on the board. Ok class, I would like someone to give me a word that starts with the letter “S”. Johnny raises his hand and says “Me me me me.” The teacher says to herself “no way. hes so fouled mouth he will say shit or something.” So she calls on Suzzy. Suzzy says Sunflower.”Very good Suzzy. Then she outs the letter “f” up on the board little Johnny wonce again is saying “ME me me”. She says “Franklin give me a letter thats starts with the letter F.” Franklin says “funny teacher.” Very good Franklin.” This went on for most of the class. Finally she put the letter “R” up on the board. Johnny sat scratching his head like he was thinking real hard. She thought alright I got him.”Johnny can you give me a word that starts with the letter “R”?. Yes. Johnny says.”Rats. teacher.” Very good Johnny.” Then he said “big fucking rats three foot long with sixteen in harry dicks.” The teacher faintede.
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.
A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.
The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked.
The little boy said, “That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, “What’s wrong with Schlitz, don’t you like it?
The man says, “I hate that shit”. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.
The bartender says, “You drink a case of any beer you’re going to blow chunks”.
You don’t understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.