Category: dirty jokes

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

‘Wow,’ comments the midget, ‘those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!’

Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

‘Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,’ says the little fellow, ‘but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.’

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says loudly,
‘Okay, hand me your wallet or I’ll jump off the ladder.’

What is the difference between a faggot and a refridgerator?

The fridge dont fart when you pull the meat out.

O.J. was on a talk show recently and was asked if he would ever get married again.He replied..”Sure…I’d love to take another stab at it..!!!”

What do you do when a Rottweiler humps your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Guy’s walking down the street when he sees a sign in front of a store that says, “Any flavored Ice Cream – $1”. Guy goes into the store, slaps down a buck and says, “I want pussy-flavored ice cream.” Clerk nods, goes in the back of the store and comes back with an ice cream cone. “Here’s your pussy-flavored ice cream, sir!” Guy takes the cone and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, he comes storming back into the store all pissed off. “Hey! I thought you said this is pussy-flavored ice cream!” Clerk says, “It is pussy-flavored ice cream, sir.”Guy says, “So why does it taste like shit?” Clerk says, “Because, sir, you’re taking too big of a lick.”

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, ‘I’m sorry, but we cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.’

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, ‘No, you might have a snake in there.’

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, ‘That smells like shit.’

The little old lady said, ‘It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?’

One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said, – “Buffalo Come!”

And the Lone Ranger said, “How do you know Tonto?”

Tonto replied, – “Ear stuck to ground…”

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, ‘Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it’s being born.’The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. ‘Why don’t you know what color the child is going to be?”Well,’ says the woman, ‘the problem is that I’m a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is.”OK’, says the doctor, ‘I’ll do it for you, but it’s most unusual.’The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, ‘Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?”Yes, doctor, he was,’ says the woman.’Wait,’ says the doctor, ‘the chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?”Yes doctor, he was.”Wait, now the legs are out and they’re light brown. Was one of the actors of mixed race?”Yes doctor, he was.’So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy ‘waaaaahh’ and starts crying.’Oh, thank God for that!’ says the woman, ‘for a moment there I thought it might bark.

Why did God make farts smelly? So deaf people can enjoy them too!

When is a fairy not a fairy?????
When shes a goblin

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts. Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions. Holders – The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk. Desk Jockey – When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider: – Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females. – Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event. Meetings: – Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like. Aisle Walker: – Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice. Broom Closet: – One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.And remember, if you’re workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

Q. What do u call 2 lesbian dinosaurs?

A: A lickalotapuss