Yours Fun Portal !
A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he’s there, he runs in to his old friend.
The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls.
The friend sees this and says, “Man, I sure wish I could do that.”
The dog owner says, “Go ahead, but pat him a little bit first.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he gets to play two long solos.After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.The movie starts, and it’s the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, everything…and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.”The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, “We’re only here to see our dog.”
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.
A guy farted oops!
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ”He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don’t think he can live with my problems.” So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ”Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
WHAT DID THE FISH SAY WHEN HE HIT A CONCRETE WALL? DAMN!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? But a little boogie in it.
if u shut up ill give u a donut
This pregnant woman got shot 3 times in the stomach while pregnant with triplets. The bullets went into all 3 of the babies. The doctor told the mother that the bullet will come out of their bodies at age 14.
At age 14, one of the girls comes up to the mom and says I went to the bathroom and pissed out a bullet. The mom explains the story to her daughter. The second daughter comes up to her mom and says mom i just pissed out a bullet. The mom explains the story to her. The son comes up to his mom and the mom says let me guess u pissed out a bullet. The boy says no i was jerking off and I shot the cat!!!
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. “Well,” the patient said, “I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she’d take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she’d sit on it and have a ball.””She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.” “She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.””And then?” said the doctor. “Aw hell,” the patient explained.”That’s when she tried to kick it under the stove.”
There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.
So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
`We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,’ they explained.
‘Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.’
The man got a shocked look on his face and said,
‘You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.’
‘Well,’ says the CIA man, ‘you’re definitely not the right man for the job then.’
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
‘We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,’ they explained to the second man.
`Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her�
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.
‘I tried to shoot her but I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.’
‘No,’ the CIA man replied, `you don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.’
Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun.
‘We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.’
The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said,
`You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.’
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away,” the boy said. He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hands!” “Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.”