Category: dirty jokes

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

“Your wife makes a delicious roast, “The chief said.

“Thanks,” his friend said. “I’m gonna miss her.”

Did you hear about the gay man who was fired from the sperm bank?

– He was caught drinking on the job.

A guy goes to the Farmer to buy a horse. He give the farmer the money and says that he will be around later to pick up the horse.

When he returns he is shock to find that the horse is dead!

He goes to the farmer and asks what happen to horse and can he get is money back.

The farmer replies no because he has spent the money and that he has no more horses to give.

The guy is unhappy but says o.k. and takes the dead horse anyway.

The farmer is shocked but doesn’t say anything.

A couple of weeks later the guy returns to the farmer to buy a couple more dead horses, so the farmer asked him what in the world would you want to do with a dead horse??

The guy replies that he had an auction to sell the dead horse, and
charged 10 pounds entrance and had over two hundred people there.

The farmer is shocked and said didn’t anyone get angry when they found out that the horse was dead.

The guy replies only the person that won.

The farmer says what happened next, and the guy says nothing i gave him back his 10 pounds.

There was this man with a really bad studder and he was very ugly. He was rich though. He and his friend were at the beach one day and he said man I really want some sex. How do I get some. His friend told him to buy a boat chicks dig boats.
Well a couple of weeks later the two friends ran into each other. His friend asked him how did the boat thing work out. The friend replied ” Well it went good I was getting chicks left and right until I met this one girl. I asked her if she wanted to go out on my boat and of course she did cause chicks dig boats. Well I did what I do with all the other girls I took her way out in the ocean away from everything. I told her put out or swim. Well she pulled down her bathing suit and it was the most god-awful smell the fish were dying in the ocean from it. I told her no nevermind. Well she told me eat or swim.”

The friend looked shocked he asked “well what did you do?”

The other guy replied “well you didnt hear about no mother fu**er drowning did you!”

Three nuns were walking along the street and one was describing with
her hands the tremendous grapefruit she’d seen in Florida.
The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas
she’d seen in Jamaica.
The third nun, a little deaf, asked, “Father who?”

a lady was giving birth to a baby on the kitchen table when the baby finally came out the doctor grabbed the baby by the imbilical cord and started salmming it against the floor and then booted it to the other side of the room the lady then asked in a screaming voice “why did you do that to my baby” and the doctor replied “april fools it was already dead”

This 14 year old girl was to lazy to throw away her tampons so decided to start throwing them in the basement. Well,34 years came by and her basement was flooded in tampons. She got an idea to put a contest in the newspaper, “The first person to stay down in my basement for 48 hours I will sign a check for him/her for $3,000. The first person came,went down her basement and came back up with puke all over his face and left after 10 minutes. The second went down and came back up 24 hours later askin her how she expects anybody to stay down there. The third person came and came back up 48 hours later and the lady shocked asked him how he did it. He replied “It smelled really gross down there but it was fine since u left me some pizza rolls to eat.

One day monica lewinsky walked into a dry cleaners to get her blue dress cleaned because it had a stain on it. She said to the employee “I want this stain taken out of the dress the employee of the store was of japanese decent and didn’t understand her so he said “come again?”to which Monica replied “NO!, its white-out!!!”

Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

Every once in a while he’d hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him , “Howard, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won’t be the last.”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, “Howard, you’re a veterinarian.”

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.

He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.”

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house.

Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

q. how do you embarriss an archiologist?

A. give him a used tampon and ask where the period came from

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man
returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.

“So did you follow him?”

“I did.”

“And…where did he go?”

“Over to your house…”