Category: dirty jokes

Penguins &Seals

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There was a penguin that was driving his car on a hot summer day, and his car broke down, luckily he was right near a gas station. The penguin stopped and the machanic said he could fix it, but it would be awhile. So the penguin went inside and bought a vanilla icecream cone.The penguins vanilla ice cream melted all over him, so when he was done he cleaned his hands and went to check on his car. When he got out there he asked the machinic if he knew what was wrong with his car, the machanic looked at him and said ” I think you blew a seal.” And the penguin said, ” Oh no, that just the vanilla ice cream.”

2 Kiddies Playing Do

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One day there was two children playing doctor. A girl and a boy. The boy liftes his shirt and points at his nipples and said “I’ve got two of these, how about you?” So the little girl opened her blouse and showed him her nipples. So the boy showed her his belly button. And the girl showed him hers. The little boy now getting upset, pulls dowm his drawers and points at his penis. The little girl pulled up her skirt and pushed her underwear to the side, but she searched and searched see couldn’t find it. The little boy taunted her for about 5 minutes, then the girl ran home. Soon enough she returned to the boy’s house and said ” My mommy told me when I’m 15 years old, I could have has much of those as I want!”

Sperm Count

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An 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order. He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, “But it’s still empty!”The main replies, “I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldn’t do it. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldn’t get the lid off that jar!”

No Frills Airlines

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Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline

1. You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

7. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Cannibals

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Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, “hey, how is it going down there?”The cannibal at the bottom says “this is great, I’m having a ball.The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you’re eating too damn fast.”