Category: dirty jokes

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn’t find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?”

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She goes into a shop and buys a bikini.The next day she comes back and wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back.The clerk says, “But you need the top too.”The woman replies, “No, I don’t. I can get everything into the bottom.”

Why was Hellen Kellers leg yellow?

Her dog was blind too.

Why does miss Piggy douche with honey??Cause Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!! lol

A young new salesman had just started his job at a General Store ,His boss told him that they were overstocked with Lawnmowers. If he was to sell the most Lawnmowers that day he would get a bonus in his pay.His first customer was a woman that asked him for Sanitary Napkins.As he calmly reached for the box he asked her if she would like to buy a Lawnmower.The woman replied in a stern voice “what do I need a Lawnmower for”?The young salesman answered “well you can’t have sex so you might as well mow the lawn”

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?””Chronic syphilis, Sir.””What treatment are you getting?””Five minutes with the wire brush each day.””What’s your ambition?””To get back to the front, Sir.””Good man,” said the Major.He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?””Chronic piles, Sir.””What treatment are you getting?””Five minutes with the wire brush each day.””What’s your ambition?””To get back to the front, Sir.””Good man,” barked the Major.He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?””Chronic gum disease, Sir””What treatment are you getting?””Five minutes with the wire brush each day.””What’s your ambition?””To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”

Whay is the difference between a faggot and a refrigerator?

The fridg dont fart when you pull the meat out

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”Other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.� Shouting out he say�s, �HEY WILLIE, FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up.

The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, “I have some bad news, you only have about two weeks left to live”.

The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, “Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?”

The doctor thinks for a moment. “There is one thing that you could do”.

“Just name it, I’ll do whatever it is”. He tells the man to take a lot of mud baths, two or three a day.

The man looks at his doctor asks, “Will that help my condition”?

The doctor says, “No, but it will get you used to the dirt!”

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……” If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever. If you are blonde don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon.

Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary’s pussy.

The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant.

Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, “Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!”

The waiter says, “Can I help you, sir?”

Gary yells, “There’s a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!”

The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.

Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, “What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair.”

Gary says, “Yeah? Well, how long do you think I’d have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Fellow 1: “Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.”

Fellow 2: “Wow, that’s Incredible. How did he know all of that?”

Fellow 1: “A judge told him.”