Category: dirty jokes

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he’s okay.”No, I’m not,” the guy replies.”I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.””Well,” asks the bartender, “what did you say to your wife?””Nothing. I’m not speaking to that bitch anymore.””Well, what did you say to your best friend?””BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender brings it to him and asks “Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps”.

The guy says “Well, I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!”

“Wow, that must have been hard!” the bartender says “What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?”

The guy at the bar replies “Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!”

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was “OCCUPIED”. The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked “WW, WA, PP and ATR”. Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked “WW” and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, “WOW, the women really have it made!”. Still curious, he pressed the button marked “WA” and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked “PP” yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn’t resist the last button marked “ATR”. When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.When she appeared, he cried out, “What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!” The nurse replied, “Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the “ATR” button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover… Your penis is under your pillow!”

So how does bungie jumping resemble having sex with a hooker?

• They both
  cost about a $100
• They both last about the same amount of time.
• If the rubber breaks you’re dead!

A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs.

Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient.

The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, “Miss Jones, I said ‘Prick his boil!”

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by
his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice
was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and
Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night the VP tossed
and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would
lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would
be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one
of
the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve
got
a difficult decision” the VP says, “I either have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Oh, jack-off” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a Catholic priest?

A: Nothing

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? A:How do i find the egg threw all of this shit?

There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. `We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,’ they explained. ‘Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.’The man got a shocked look on his face and said, ‘You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.”Well,’ says the CIA man, ‘you’re definitely not the right man for the job then.’So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,’ they explained to the second man. `Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her�The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes. ‘I tried to shoot her but I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”No,’ the CIA man replied, `you don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.’Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun. ‘We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.’The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, `You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.’

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on.

The guy asks the sailor showing him around, “What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?”, to which the other replies, “Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole.”

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He goes to the upper deck and sees the barrel.

He then flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by.

“That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!”

To which the other crew member replies, “Yeah, you can every day except this Thursday.”

Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, “Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday.”

John, Arnie and James are all working on some very high scaffolding.

Suddenly, John falls off and is killed instantly.

After the ambulance leaves with John’s body, Arnie and James realize they’ll have to inform his wife.

James says he’s good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it.

After two hours, he returns carrying a six pack of beer.

“So, did you tell her?” Asks Arnie

“Yep.” Replies James.

“Hey, where did you get the six pack?”

“She gave it to me.”

“What?!” Exclaims Arnie. “You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six pack?!”

“Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was John’s widow.

‘Widow?’ She said. ‘No, no..I’m not a widow. You must be mistaken.’

So I said, ‘I’ll bet you a six pack you are!'”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour’s 10 year old daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it’s cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it’s grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it’s cage, hoping it’s death would be written off as “natural causes”.Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour’s Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: “DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage??”