Happy Birthday…yech!

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, “Please do me a favor. It feels like something’s stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?” His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce’s ass, feeling all around, and says, “I don’t feel anything.”

Bruce says, “Trust me, there’s something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.” So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce’s ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, “I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.”
Bruce starts singing, “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”

Fishing Tips

A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.The man replies “This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love ’em”.The luckless man asks “But why do you smell each one?””Well..”he replies, ” he’s a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there”.

Dr Jones

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

“Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!”

Cannibals

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, “hey, how is it going down there?”

The cannibal at the bottom says “this is great, I’m having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you’re eating too damn fast.”

Farting in the Restaurant

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands “Stop That!”.The waiter looks at her dryly and says “Sure lady, which way is it headed?”

DAWGY STYLE

A blond walks into a bar and orders 2 shots then she says “one of the pain and one for the glory.” and she does it again the bartender finaly asks whats up with the pain and the glory? She says well it started when I was cleaning my house in the nude and I bent over to pick something off the floor and my greyhound mounted me . the bartender responds what was the glory then she responds that was the glory the pain was when he trew me out side when he was threw ….