Category: dirty jokes

(This is a joke for you and a friend. Tell your friend that everytime you ask a question to answer with “Ketchup and liquor”)

You: What did you have for breakfast?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: What did you have for lunch?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: What did you have for dinner?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.
You: You see a hott girl walking down the street. What do you do?
Friend: Ketchup and Liquor.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to the local nursing home in Dublin and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast including All Bran and some toast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems ok, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later on the family arrives to see how yer ol’ wan is adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except them feckers won’t let me fart.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Tantilazing

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them.

They decide that when they get home, they’ll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says, “Man, I don’t think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said, ‘Why don’t you burn the whole house down?’ That place is still smoldering.”

The second guy said, “That ain’t nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. My wife said, ‘Why don’t you tear the whole car apart?’ It took me all night.”

The third guy said, “You guys don’t have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said, ‘Cut that out!'”

He held out his hands. “Ever seen one of these real close?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Q: What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole
chicken.

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.”

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes’ silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index finger?”

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Q:What does Helen Keller Call Her dog?

A:aaaggggghhhhhaaagghh!!!!!

It�s the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they got.

The first kid says, “What�d you get?”

The second kid replies, “Man, I made out! I got Pokemon stuff, Nintendo, a stereo, a bike and a whole lot more! What�d you get?”

“Oh, I just got a baseball glove and a bat,” says the first kid.

“Wow, that�s pretty rough,” says the second kid.

“Yeah, well, I�m not dying of cancer.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Tantilazing

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran
some
tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor
called
and the wife answered.

“I’m going to have to run a few more tests”, the doctor said “I’m going
to
need a semen, urine and a fecal sample”.

After she hung up the husband asked, “What did the doctor say?”

“Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear”.

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when when Mary said “Damn, I was
running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go
back to the station to get them.”

George replied “We don’t have to go back, just give Fido, my trusty police
dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”

It was a hot day, and Mary didn’t fell like heading back to the station, so
she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shoots between her legs,
sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up,
he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get
louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds
the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s balls in his mouth!

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, “Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?” The drunk replied, “Yes ma’am, I have indeed shit myself.” The woman says, “Well, why don’t you go somewhere and clean yourself up?” The drunk says, “‘Cos I’m not finished yet…”

Every once in a while each of us experiences a perfect crap. It’s rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is the smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.

But that’s not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

On the other hand (so to speak) there is:

The Beer Crap
Talk about nasty craps. Depending on the crapper’s tolerance, the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two or 22, it doesn’t matter.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy crap accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chilli Crap
Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli crap stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Crap
Long, curly and perfectly formed like two feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ‘Did I do that? Where did it come from?’ You leave the toilet pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Crap
In case you didn’t know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it – where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to crap. Tip: don’t ever look down the hole.

The Mona Lisa Crap
This is the masterpiece of craps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make Da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid camera, but maybe that’s going too far.

The Empty Roll Crap
You’re done… you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains… no, someone would say, ‘Where are the curtains?’ Then what would you say. The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ’empty roll crapper’ must face… pull up your daks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

A mate about to run the London Marathon lined up outside the dozens of portaloos on Blackheath to unload a nervous one and discovered when the business was done and he was ready to run a world record race, there was no paper. Panic. The only thing available was a pound note – the last he possessed because they were being replaced by the coin – and he used that, being careful not to use the side with the Queen’s head, of course!

The Splash Back Crap
You send the crap on its way; it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet and embarrassed. Tip: blot instead of wipe.

The Aborted Crap
You are in mid-crap when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off; go for the phone and save the rest for later. It isn’t pretty, but you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.

The Caesarean Crap
Pain, that’s what this crap and childbirth have in common. It’s simply a case of too much crap trying to go through too small a hole and there’s no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Crap
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambience that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Tijuana Trot Crap (also known as Delhi Belly, Rabat Runs, Seskatchewan Squits, Balsall Heath Balti Bypass)
The phrase ‘shit happens’ really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you’d be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position.

The Machine Gun Crap
You’re just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machinegun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran – cradling his umbrella like an AK47.

The Sound Effect Crap
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or workmates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet.
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem.
3. Drop a handful of change on the floor.

The Security Crap
You have enough on your mind when you’re in the toilet without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-crap mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can’t reach to do this… hum loudly.

The Cling-On Crap
For the most part you’ve completed your crap, but there’s one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You’re getting impatient. Someone else wants to use the toilet. So you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Crap
You go, then you stand up to flush and the damn thing has disappeared. Where’d it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe… maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You’d better, because if you don’t, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Hangover Crap
You feel so bad that you don’t know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again… up down, up down. Don’t you wish Mum was close by.

The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concertgoers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, ‘It’s like taking a shit in an upright coffin.’ It’s claustrophobic and it smells bad. Best advice: go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Crap
In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn’t create this dump because there is nothing biblical about it. You run out of gas. That’s right, you run out of propulsion. The crap is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You’ve only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you’re a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?

The Whole Roll Crap
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn’t seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Crap
You flush the crap and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the crap to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there… love it or leave it, it’s your choice.

The Encore Crap
‘Ahhh!’ You’re done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the toilet when you feel another crap on its way. You have to return for a curtain call.

The Born Again Crap
This is a dump that’s going badly. You say, ‘Lord, if I live through this, I’ll take up religion.’ You always get through it, but seldom keep the promises you made in desperation, because a born-again crap is like childbirth – you forget the pain quickly.