Category: dirty jokes

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: “Honey, I’m home.”

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts. Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions. Holders – The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk. Desk Jockey – When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider: – Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females. – Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event. Meetings: – Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like. Aisle Walker: – Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice. Broom Closet: – One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.And remember, if you’re workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.”The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?””Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.””Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?””Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.”Then what?” says the distraught man.”Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, Don’t have sex with her!”

Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven and attend an orientation.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

St Peter is standing at Heaven’s gate when a man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?”St Peter asked.”I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.””Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”A few moments later a second man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?”St Peter asked.”I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers.””Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”A few moments later a third man walks up.”Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?””I was a policeman,” he responded.”What kind of policeman?”St Peter asked.”I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir.””Excellent my son… I’ve gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?”

1.You are so stupid you locked in a bathroom and you pissed your pants.

2.You are so stupid you got locked in a grocery store and you starved to death.

last night 3 prostitutes escaped from jail one prstityte got caught in the alley, the second one got caught giving head, and the third one got caught reading this message.run b**** run

What is the diffrence between big footand a hard working indian? one has actchwelly been sighted

There’s a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later. When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctor’s only reaction to this was…”It’s good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing….”

O.J. was on a talk show recently and was asked if he would ever get married again.

He replied..”Sure…I’d love to take another stab at it..!!!”

A guy walks into a bar with two lovely blondes leaning on his
shoulders with dewy looks in their eyes, and a dwarf who’s only two feet
tall. He orders drinks for himself and his companions, paying from a
fat roll of twenty-dollar bills. The dwarf jumps up on the bar, and
runs up and down the whole length of the bar kicking over everybody’s
drinks. The bartender and the other patrons are rather perturbed by
this, but the guy says, “Never mind, I’ll buy a fresh round of drinks
for everybody,” pulling out more twenties.

As soon as the bartender has finished setting everybody up again,
the dwarf jumps back up on the bar and kicks over everybody’s drinks
again. The bartender says, “That’s it: you and your friends, out!”

The guy says, “Never mind, just set everybody up again, and I’ll
control the dwarf this time, and I’ll pay for it, and here’s an extra twenty
for your trouble.”

The bartender says, “OK, but I don’t understand why you put up
with him.”

The guy says, “It happened like this. I found an old oil lamp,
and being superstitious I rubbed it, and sure enough, out came a genie
and granted me three wishes. I asked for a roll of twenties that would
never end: POOF, there it was. I asked for two lovely blonde women, one
for each arm, who are totally devoted to me: POOF, there they were. So
finally I asked for a two-foot prick: POOF, there he was.”