Category: dirty jokes

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!””Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. ”Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman.”Do you know anything about this at all?””No, constable”, said the man.”Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?””Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.””17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?””I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.””That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)”Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.””156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!””Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison….. and (pointing to the large circle) this is your asshole after prison.

The patient was being preped for the operation. Suddenly there was a high
pitched scream.

The doctor looked over and barked, “Nurse, it was his spectacles I
asked you to remove!”

What do you call a man who died from a Viagra overdose?

A dead stiff.

two men were shipwrecked on a desert island inhabited by canibals, the cheif said that he was a fair man, and that he wouldnt eat the men if they went into the rainforest and brought out a wheelbarrow of his favourite fruit, the first man came out with grapes, and the cheif said sorry, but i will give you one more chance, if you can push all of those up your bum without laughing, i will let you go. the man gets to the last one and bursts out laughing, the cheif asks him why he started laughing, the man replied, “i just saw my mate and he has a barrow full of coconuts!”

There once was a boy named Timmy who had a dog named Bo. Timmy always took Bo with him every where he went and they always played together. One day, Mother called for Timmy but he did not answer. She went outside to find him and discovered that he and Bo were really outside playing together.
Morale of the story: Watch your kids and their dead beat fathers!!

Two gay guys were walking together when one of them said, “You’re not going to believe this, but I think I smell penis.”

The other said, “That’s because I just burped.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes’ gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes’ bedroom. Watson heard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69.”Good God Holmes!” said Watson, “What kind of a schoolgirl is this?””Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.”

Suspicion: Men doing push-ups in long grass.

A young girl sat on Santa’s knee. He said, “What would you like for Christmas, little girl?””Some hairs on my pee-pee place,” she replied.”Do you mind if they’re white ones?” asked Santa….

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.”I have chapped lips.””Does manure help them heal?””No, but it keeps me from licking them.”