Category: dirty jokes

A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says “Stop that and put it away!” The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing. “Okay, what’s so funny?” asks the cop. “Fooled you.” says the drunk “I put it away, but I didn’t stop.”

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute.

`Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you area manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, as no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.’

womans rights

how do you baby sit a niglet give up wet his lips and stick him to the wall how do you get him down teach him to say motherfucker

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he’s amazed by the indoor plumbing. He’s so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, “You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I’m sure it’s the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a gay man.”The hick says, “How can you tell?”The inspector says, “It’s dented on one end.”

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, “Blowjob, five dollars”.

He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.

Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking.

The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was “Mom, what’s a blowjob?”.

His mom replies “Five dollars, just like downtown!”.

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 “get well soon” cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. “No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down”,she says.

“Ah” says the doc,”this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery.” “How nice “, says Liz.”Thank you – what a nice thought.” “The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations – she is to be trusted.”

“What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I’m really touched”, says Liz. “But who is the 3rd card from?” asks Liz.

“Oh”, says the doctor, “that’s from Evander Holyfield — thanking you for his new ears!!!”

A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy. The landlord says, ‘Don’t tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.”Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?’The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. ‘Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. What’s going on?’The man replies, ‘Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuff’s already gone.’

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, “IF YOU DON”T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I’LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!”A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, “did you jump?”The boy said, “A little at first!”

A guy says to his wife, “I’m in the mood for some 69.”

She says, “It’s that time of the month, but if you don’t care, I don’t care.”

They go into the bedroom, and are 69’ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, “Answer the door.”

He says, “But my face is a mess.”

She says, “It’s just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich.”

He opens the door and says, “I’m sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich.”

The mailman says, “I wasn’t looking at the jam on your mouth…I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.”

An eskimo was riding across the tundra on his snowmobile, when it started sputtering. The eskimo cruised into town, and stopped at a mechanic’s shop. After five or ten minutes, the mechanic returns, and says,”Look’s like you just blew a seal.”

To which the eskimo replied,”No, that’s just frost on my mustache.”

Why is licking sum 1 out like playing with the mafia?
1 wrong move n ur in deep shit