Category: dirty jokes

A man loses his wife in a freak scuba-diving accident and police aren�t able to recover the body.

The next day, he gets a knock at the door and is greeted by two solemn police officers. �Sorry to bother you, sir,� one says. �But we have some information about your wife.�

�Well, tell me!� the man cries.

The policeman says, �We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?�

The man chooses the bad first, so the policeman explains, �I�m sorry to tell you, but we found your wife�s body this morning at the bottom of the bay.�

�Oh, my God,� the man cries, but then remembers what the policeman had said. �So what�s the good news?�

�Well,� says the policeman, �when we pulled her up, she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good sized Dungeness crabs on her.�

�If that�s the good news, what�s the great news?� the man demands.

The policeman explains, �We�re going to pull her up again tomorrow!�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

A man dies “in the act” after taking viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can’t get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man’s beautiful young widow. “I’m afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member.” “Well I have no more money,” states the widow, “and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece.” The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He’ll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased’s backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees. On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased’s face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the “teardrop” and says to him quietly, “See, I told you it hurts!”

there is three midgets that wanted to brake the record for thesmallest body parts so the first guy goes in and says can i brake the record for the smallest hands he gets it and the second guy goes in and says can i brake the record for the smallest feet he gets it. The third guy goes in and says can i brakethe record for the smallest dick he doesnt get it so he walks out of the office and says who the hell is (say the person that you are tellin it too.

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, “IF YOU DON”T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I’LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!”A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, “did you jump?”The boy said, “A little at first!”

Below is a list of new drugs users of viagra have requested the me makers of viagra develop.VIAGRA-SKI Wonderful for those who have a hard time getting up on water-skis. Forty-five minutes after taking it, you’ll get up and stay up, out of the water. DIRECTRA A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting anew one.CHILDAGRA Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks especially cleaning up spills and “little accidents”. COMPLIMENTRA In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.NEGA-SPORTAGRA This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.FLYAGRA This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.PRYAGRA About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

There was once a little boy. Without knowing that his mum was getting dressed, he walked into the room she was doing so. “Whats that?” asked the little boy.”That my dear, is my jungle.” She replied.

Later on that day, he went into the toilet not knowing his gran was taking a shower. “What are they gran?” “They are my lights.”

After tea he went through to the sitting room to see that his dad was masterbating. “What is that?” “That is my snake.”

At night the little boy walked into his mum and dads bedroom, turned the light on and saw his mum and dad having sex. He shouted “quick gran turn your lights on, daddys snake is going into mummys jungle!!!”

A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, “He isn’t here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.” By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, “You’re sure he isn’t here?” The bartender says, “Yes, I’m very sure.” The lady says, “Well, I just wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the women’s restroom.”

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word ‘penis’ in
tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her
class.The next day she went into the room, and she
saw, in larger letters, the word ‘penis’ again on the
black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s
lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the board,
each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted
by the same word on the board, but instead, found the
words,

“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!”

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, “This is for the shame,” and then the second one,” This is for the glory.”She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, “This is for the shame,” and then the second one, “This is for the glory.” She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, “Ma’am, I was just wondering…what’s this about shame and glory?” “Well,” she replies, “I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind.” “That must be the shame,” the bartender said.”No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.”

What’s the difference between an old prostitute and a young prostitute?

A young prostitute uses KY Jelly, an old prostitute uses Polyfiller.

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea? You didn’t?! It’s all over town!