Category: dirty jokes

Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a beer.After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents,Bruce came up with a brilliant idea.”I’ll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!” He went into a butcher’s shop and bought a single sausage,which he stuck in Joe’s fly. They then went to a nearby bar.”Two beers,” said Bruce to the barman. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joe’s fly.”Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!” the barman screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.”I just can’t do this anymore,” Bruce whined.”My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. We’ll have to swap places.””We can’t,” said Joe.”We lost the sausage after the third pub.”

If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day
and women would bleed to death.

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket. The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment. The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters’ trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesn’t need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out. The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter replied, “That’s easy…. I use the spoon.”

Q: How do you recognize a prostitute from Phuket?

A: she’s the one wearing fishnet…

There once were 3 boys named Stupid, Shutup, and Manners. One day Stupid got lost(because hes STUPID!) so Shutup went to the police. The police said, “Whats your name kid?” Shutup said, “Shutup.” “Whats your name kid!” yelled the police men ” Shutup!” said Shutup again. “GRRR! WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!” yelled the police men. “Stupid!” Shutup said. “WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!” yelled the policemen. “STUPID!” said Shutup. “GRR! YOU GET ON MY NERVES! WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS!” yelled the police men. Shutup pointed to Manners and said,”Over there.”

At the end Shutup never found Stupid and they lived miserably ever after.

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a Horse Jockey?

A Horse Jockey is ALLOWED to ride 3 year olds.

A young boy comes home from school & his mother says “What did you do today?”To which the boy answers “oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.”The mother , aghast, doesn’t know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says “go in & tell your father what you just told me!”The boy goes into see his father & says “gee, mom sure is mad.” The father says “why?””I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my english teacher.”Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says “congratulations — you passed a milestone. I tell you what –let’s go out and celebrate. We’ll have some ice cream and then I’ll buy you a new bike.”To which the boy says –“the ice cream sounds great Dad, but let’s hold off on the bike a few days — my ass is killing me.”

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even
each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage.”

His father replied, “Don’t you love this girl?”

“Oh yes, very much,” he said, “but you see, I have very smelly feet and I’m afraid that my fianc�e will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable
solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fianc�e will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the
bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed
quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the
bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, my,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

Q: What did Helen Keller say when someone handed her a cheese grater?

A: That was the most violent story I ever read!

yo mamma so fat when she sat on a train ahe invented the subwat

Why didn’t Helen Keller ever change her baby?

She could find it!

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, “You’re right,that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm.”