Category: dirty jokes

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

“Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong.

These unwanted advances will have to stop.”

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t’ do it again.”

The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.” Chuck’s face lit up.

“Ms Jones?!!!!

I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!”

Defence Attorney: What is your age?Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.Defence Attorney: Did you know him?Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.Defence Attorney: Why not?Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.Defence Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.Defence Attorney: Why not?Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!Defence Attorney: What happened next?Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “take me, young man, Take me!”Defence Attorney: Did he take you?Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!

My girlfriend broke up with me today.”

“I’m sorry man. Why did she break up with you?”

“She called me a pedophile!”

“Are you serious??”

“Yeah, But then I asked her, ‘Isn’t pedophile a big word for a 9 year-old?'”

Submitted by stephd3
Edited by Calamjo

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

�I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.�

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground”, he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered, “Oh that? The dog’s leash goes slack!”

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level.

He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went down another 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, “How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?”

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’M DROWNING, YOU MORON!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.”I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.”Just place this between your cheek and gum.”The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.”And what if I swallow it?””No problem,” says the barber.”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a hallowe’en party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.”

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says:
“Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.”

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
“Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!”

I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.”That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”

A radio station is holding a competition for a trip to hawai. Somebody rings up , tells them a word that isn’t in the dictionary and then puts it in a sentence. This is how it went
First caller: Hi my name Adam and my word is G-o-a-n pronounced “Go an””.
Presenter: Okay thats not in the dictionary now whats your sentence.
Adam:Okay

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet

A woman sudenly woke up at 2 in the morning, with her husbend in the kithen. Woman:”Morning love

Charlie was once waiting at home for his wife 2 come back from the grocery store. When he got a phone call. It was the doctor and he said “Your wife has been in a terrible car accident andshe is at the hospital.”” So