Category: dirty jokes

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canap�s the young man realized that he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.’Spot,’ called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog lying at the young man’s feet. Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go. ‘Spot,’ she cried out sharply.I’ve got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll be fine. So he let loose a really big one.’Spot,’ shrieked the mother, ‘get over here before he shits on you.’

Didja hear that diarrhea’s hereditary? Yeah, it runs in the jeans!

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?”and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…”The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, “Gambling.””Gambling?,” he says.”What sort of gambling?””Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.”I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!” The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?””Ok, have it your way,” said the president, and they shook hands on it.”See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning,” said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.”Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?”said the president.”He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?””No, perfectly understandable,” said the president.”Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.”Not so fast!” said the little old lady.”For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.”Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.”What’s wrong with him?”asks the bank president.”Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”

All the traffic is tied up all over LA and the man got out of his car to try to find out why he wasn’t moving…its OJ again he was told�. he is sitting in the middle of the highway and threatening to set himself on fire because he says he can’t afford to pay all that money he was ordered to pay.

Well what is being done about it the man asked ..to which the other man replied we are taking up a collection….how much do you have he asked.

I’ve got 3 gallons the other man replied.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?

-Toys for Twats.

What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork?

Kermit’s Dick

A salsman receved a call from his boss informing him he had an appontment with a competitor 150 miles away, and he only had two and a half hours to get there, and that he would be there for three days. his wife was always complaning that he never took her with him, so he calld and told her to pack a bag and be ready he would be there in ten minutes to pick her up he had no time to wast so to meet him at the curb,he stopped she jumped in off thay went, therty minutes down the road she told him she had to stop some where that she had diarrhea and had to stop, but I cant stop I cant be late, so thay rode a while longer once agan she said I have to go now” so he told her to roll down the window and to stick her butt out the window he could not stop for eaney thing after a minute or two she dropet her paints and stuck her butt out the window just as she let go there was two hitch hickers beside the road SPLAT” first hitch hicker wiping his face off, said wow what awful smelling tobaco, second hitch hicker wiping his face said ya” and did you see the Jaws” on that Berded Basterd when He spit?

Q: What do Michael Jackson and broccoli have in common?

A: Both are force fed to little boys.

Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????Answer- The one with the dirty knees….

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn’t working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men’s Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Burford… All is forgiven. Just tell us…where is it?”

An 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order. He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, “But it’s still empty!”The main replies, “I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldn’t do it. Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldn’t get the lid off that jar!”

One day a guy got invited over to his girlfriend’s parents house for dinner. He really liked the girl and was set out to impress her parents. When he arrived at the girl’s house he was quickly whisked into the dinning room where they were getting reading to sit down for dinner. He sat down in his chair and the family dog curled up under him. Halfway through dinner the man felt a rumble in his tummy and noticed he had gas. He was very uncomfortable so he let a little bit out hoping no one would notice. As soon as he did, the girl’s father yelled at the dog “Rufus!” The guy thought, hey, this is great and let out a little bit more. Once again, the girl’s father yelled “Rufus!” They guy decided to let all the gas out since the father thought it was the dog. After he let a long fart out, the girl’s father yells at the dog “RUFUS! Get out from under that chair before that man shits on you!”