Category: dirty jokes

Q: What’s the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer? A: The taste.

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it.

So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, “Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?”

He says, “No, why? You got someone lined up for me?”

“You might say that. Why don’t you take me to the prom?”

“Take you? You kidding? You’re my sister!”

“Well, are you taking somebody else out?”

“You know I don’t have a date, sis.”

“And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don’t we?” Her brother nods.

She continues, “So we should go with each other.”

The brother can’t see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he’ll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her.

Then, while he’s standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

“Hey, brother, let’s dance. “

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. “Look, sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I’m not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?”

“Don’t be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can’t you dance with your sister?”

“Oh . . . all right. “

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it’s over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, “Let’s not go straight home.”

He gives her a curious look and says, “What are we going to do instead?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Just drive around.”

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, “Want to find some place to park?”

“Hell,” he says, “are you crazy? You’re my sister, I’m not going parking with you!”

“Who said anything about ‘going parking’? Let’s just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It’s been a busy year for both of us, how long has it been since we’ve had a chance to talk to each other?”

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

“Hey . . . ” she says.

“What?”

“Why don’t you kiss me?”

“You’ve been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I’m not going to kiss you, you’re my sister! “And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. “I know I’m your sister. You’ve mentioned that a lot lately. And you’re my brother. And don’t we love each other? Why shouldn’t we kiss if we feel like it?” She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, “Come on. Let’s do it.”

“Do what?” said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

“You know what,” his sister replied.

“I can’t do that with you, you’re my. . . ” His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, “You know, you’re a lot lighter than Dad.”

“I know,” said her brother. “Mom told me.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Wanna hear a clean joke? Joe played with Bubbles!!! Wanna hear a dirty joke?? Bubbles was the girl next door!!!

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day
just talking about the business. The youngest one complained, “You
know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I
don’t think I can stay in business at those prices.”

Her Mom thinks for a while and says, “Well dear, in my day we would
give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to
get that!”

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says, “The
both of you don’t know what tough times really are. Back during the
depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just
glad to get something warm in our stomachs!”

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm.

At the end of the summer the farmer says, “Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you.”

The college guy says, “Right on, thanks a lot man.”

So the farmer says, “Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn’ going on.”

College guy “Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine.”

Farmer “There is also going to be a lot of fightn’ so I hope you are ready.”

College guy “I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape.”

Farmer says, “Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?”

College guy “Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?”

Farmer says, “I don’t care it’s just going to be me and you.”

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”]

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.” His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket. The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment. The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters’ trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesn’t need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out. The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter replied, “That’s easy…. I use the spoon.”

What is the difference between an essex girl and a Kit Kat?
You only get 4 fingers in a Kit Kat

A famous magician had a thundering finish to his act.
He would fill a large boul with shit and proceed to slurp it noisily, to the amazement of his audience.

One night he had just begun the wow finish of his act when he stopped in his tracks.
“Go ahead,” said the stage manager. “Eat the shit, eat the shit!”

“I just can’t do it”, said the magician. “There’s a hair in it!”

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea? You didn’t?! It’s all over town!

Whats the worst part about eating vegtables?
Putting them back in their wheel chair

What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don’t eat broccoli!