Category: dirty jokes

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man’s peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.”That’s okay,” the old man replies after a moment. ”Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocalate off the M&M’s.”

A man was walking through the desert and had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, “Good God, give me some food!”

As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up… There was a leper painting the ceiling.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.Blonde: “Sir, did you call for me?” New Man: “No, I just got here.”Blonde: “You must be new here, it’s a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me.” The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.Huge Man: “Sir, did you call for me?”New Man: “No, I just got here.”Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me.” The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist… New Man: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.” Receptionist: “But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….” New Man: (Rudely interrupting) “Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.”

What does Michael Jackson and XBOX have in common?

Their both made of plastic and little kids both turn them on.

Q: What do you call a kid with a mushroom for a penis?
A: Kyle Hejna

One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked “how much is it for a hand job?”The women replied ” $500 dollars sir” “$500 dollars! That�s a lot of money are you any good?””Well sir you see that car out there?”The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper.”Yes,” said the man. “Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs”, with that statement the man agreed to the service. The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked “Miss, do you do blow jobs?”�Why yes I do, it costs $80” “$80 Wow!, are they any good because that�s a lot of money.””Well you see that building out there?”The woman pointed to a company office building.”Yes” said the man. “Well, I paid for that company with all the money I’ve made doing blow jobs!” the man agreed and the women did the service. The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked “Miss would you have sex with me?”To which the woman replied, “You see that island out there?”The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said “don’t tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?””No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!”

Through all the thngs that came to the pass…Our love has grown…but not as big as your ass

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.”I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.”The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.”Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.””Do you really think so, Doctor?”she asked.The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”

it was said that posh spice was having an affair with michael jackson. He denied it as he was in Brooklyn at the time

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

“Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

This guy decides he’s going to play a little joke on his wife one
day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and
says, “If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn’t have to keep using
your bra.” He laughs and laughs.
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and
grabs her ass and says “If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn’t
have to keep using your girdle.” Again he laughs and laughs, while
his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his
penis and says, “If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn’t need to keep
sleeping with your brother.”