Category: dirty jokes

Q. WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WIFE AND A JOB?

A. AFTER TEN YEARS A JOB STILL SUCKS!

How many sluts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None: It screws itself

Q:what happened to the little girl who fell down the toilet?
A:she joined the brownies

A woman walks into a doctor’s surgery with a huge boil on her arse.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.

He says, ‘This is too big a job for me.’

So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says,

‘This is no problem.’
Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.

Gus stops what he’s doing, looks up and says,
‘You know lady, it’s people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.’

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:”Three long years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some prick puts a swimming cap on me !!”

you suck

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, “You’re right,that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm.”

what is black and white and red all over?a nun in a blender.

Q: What do lesbians do on their period?

A: Finger Paint

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal.

A man with no arms in his sleeves comes up to him and says “Hey, can you give me a hand?”.

Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help the man. He unzips the man’s pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.

Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man’s moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

“Hey, thanks a lot man.” The man says

“No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?”

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says “I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell ain’t gonna touch it!”

What is Rodeo Sex?Well, it’s where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, “This is the way your sister likes it too.” You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A.

He’s stopped in traffic and thinks, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we’re not even moving.”

He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, “Excuse me, officer, what’s the hold-up?”

“O.J. just found out the verdict, and he’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn’t have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.”

The man says, “Oh really, how much have you collected so far.”

The officer replies, “So far, ten gallons.”