Category: dirty jokes

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said “Take one pill for a great night.” The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man’s son sitting on the porch crying.”What’s wrong?” they said. The boy replied, “Mom’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts and dad’s in the basement yelling ‘here kitty”

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Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.

His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing.”

Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.

The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.

“Incredible!,” says his friend.

“Medical science is amazing!”

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.

Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him.

He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her when she would misbehave?

They would rearange the living room.
Also leave the plunger in the toliet.

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, “I have some bad news, you only have about two weeks left to live”. The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, “Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?” The doctor thinks for a moment. “There is one thing that you could do”. “Just name it, I’ll do whatever it is”. He tells the man to take a lot of mud baths, two or three a day. The man looks at his doctor asks, “Will that help my condition”? The doctor says, “No, but it will get you used to the dirt!”

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: “Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news for you.””Give me the bad news first, Doc.” says the patient. “I’m afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.””Oh my god!” the patient cries, breaking into tears.”But the good news”, the doctor adds, “is that we had them biopsied and you’ll be relieved to know that they weren’t malignant.”

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to
put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: “First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.”

What’s the difference between love,true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. what sexual position makes the ugliest children?

A. well i do not know, ask your parents.

Jean Pierre was having a costume party and told all his friends that they must
come dressed as an emotion.

The night of the party the doorbell rang and there stood Ann Marie dressed
in black and she said “I am gloom.”

A few minutes later the doorbell rang again. This time it was Hubert,
dressed in green, claiming to be envy.

The third time the doorbell rang, it was Michelle, all dressed in red for
rage.

The next time Jean Pierre open his door, there was Marcell, naked, except
for a pear tied to his penis. “What emotion are you?” asked Jean Perre.

And Marcell simply answered “I’m fucking despair.”

Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldn’t resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldn’t climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife……”Honey, do you notice anything different about me???” She took one look at him, and said “Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face.”

“Why don’t chicken wear underpants?”
Because their pecker’s on their face!

A leper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a clod beer. The leper is sitting there, enjoying his beer, when he notices a man across the bar, staring at him, with an expression on his face like he is about to puke. The leper tries to ignore the man, and enjoy his beer, but the man keeps staring, and making faces. So finally, after suffering the man’s stares for long enough, the leper stands, and calls across the bar, “Hey man, what’s your problem?? I’m a leper, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I can’t help it. Why do you have to be such an ass?”. the man, with the same grossed out look on his face replies, “It’s not you, the guy behind you keeps dipping his chip in your neck!”.