Category: dirty jokes

Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour’s 10 year old daughter’s rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it’s cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it’s grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it’s cage, hoping it’s death would be written off as “natural causes”.Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour’s Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: “DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage??”

With yet another young man in her life Elizabeth Taylor decided that in her advancing years she needed to tighten up her vaginal area. She put her trust in her plastic surgeon of 30 years standing, the one who had carried out her face-lifts, boob jobs and ass-lifts. Sworn to secrecy, he agreed that no-one but him would ever know. He carried out the delicate operation, carefully slicing away strips of the loose folds of skin. It is a long operation!Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 “get well soon” cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor. “No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down”,she says.”Ah” says the doc,”this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery.” “How nice “, says Liz.”Thank you – what a nice thought.” “The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations – she is to be trusted.””What a beautiful thought , from such a humble person -I’m really touched”, says Liz. “But who is the 3rd card from?” asks Liz.”Oh”, says the doctor, “that’s from Evander Holyfield — thanking you for his new ears!!!”

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

Humpty Dumpty f@#ked a fat wh*@e Humpty dumpty fell on the floor All the kings horses and all the kings men Bent the bitch over and f@#ked her again

a girl was sitting on a bench at school when some boys came over and told her they would give her $5 if she climbed a tree[she is wearing a dress] she said ok so when she got home she told her mom that some boys paid her $5 to climb atree her mom then says they just want to see your underwear this happens again only they pay her $10 instead of $5 it hapens two more times only it is $15 then $20 so the next day they say they will pay her $25 so she climbs the tree the boys all go WWHHOOAAAA! and they drop $35 instead of$25 she teels her mom and her mom goes they just want to see your underwear she says but they could not have seen my underwear i was not wearing any underwear

Q: What’s the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?

A: The taste.

What is Rodeo Sex?

Well, it’s where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, “This is the way your sister likes it too.” You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, consulted a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing his eyes and reaching into the realm of the future, the psychic revealed the true answer. “You will die on an American holiday.”

“Which one?” asked bin Laden.

“It don’t matter,” said the psychic. “The day you die will be made into an American holiday.”

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said “I’d like a steak, a potato, and a Coke please.”So the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter. The barman came over and said “Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!” The panda calmly replied “Do you know what I am?””Why yes,” the barman answered.”You’re a panda.””Good,” the panda nodded.”Now go home and look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary.”And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend’s murder, so he went home to find his dictionary. After a while, he found ‘panda’ and quickly read the definition: PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because women don’t keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, “I’m sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me sir …..can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says , “Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.”

She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line……It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00.”

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it” He walks behind the counter to the register. In the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her … being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?”

He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!”