Category: dirty jokes

A man walks into a bar with a leather bag and says to the barman will you give me a free drink if i show you something really amazing and the barman says it depends how amazing it is so the man goes in his bag and pulls out a mini piano and the barman says no thats not amazing enough and he goes no i havent finished yet so he puts in his hand and pulls out a mini man and the barman says yeah that is worth a free drink but where did you get the man and he pulls out a magic lamb and says if you close your eyes and make a wish it will come true so the man closes his eyes and makes a wish but nothing happens the all of a sudden the pub is full of ducks there are everywhere on the ceiling on the tables and a man comes over from a table and says what did you wish for and the man says i actually wished for 100 bucks and the man with the lamb says what did you thing you would get a 10 inch peinist.

A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, “How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?”

The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, “Tell you what – why don�t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you�ve got something really big and hard down there, and they�ll want you.”

So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can�t understand what�s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, “What am I doing wrong? You said they�d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!”

Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, “You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!”

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that is…..
hangin on the wall ….ART what do you call
arts arms and kegs hangin next to him….
peices of art

Out in the middle of the ocean…BOB what do
you call bob being pulled in by a boat-SKIP

In the middle of a pile of leaves-Russel

Man in the middle ofa desert-FUCKED

WANT MORE JOKES E-mail me at [email protected]

your mamas so old she oes Jesus two dollars!

Q: What’s so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she’ll swallow.

Q: Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don’t want to wear out the camel.

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell’s Angel with a Jehovah’s Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

Q. What’s the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing!

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson’s ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand…

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin’.

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a “quickie”, only you do it yourself.

Q: What’s a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue’s still in the envelope.

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.

Q: Which of the following doesn’t belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can’t beat a blow job.

Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldn’t resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldn’t climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife……”Honey, do you notice anything different about me???”She took one look at him, and said “Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face.”

I shot my teacher with a 44stud I went to her funrierll heck I went to her grave while everone threw flowers I threw a gernade 5 years later she rose from the dead my friend deven choped off her head

A man paced nervously back and forth as his wife was in the delivery room. Finally the doctor emerged caring the infant. The man rushes over to the doctor, “Is it a boy or a girl?” he asks.

The doctor doesn’t say a word, he just grabs the baby by the foot, swings the baby around his head and throws it up against a wall.

Outraged the man demands to know, “What the heck are you doing?”

Finally the doctor responds, “April fools, the baby was alredy dead.”

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, “I have some very bad news for you. I’m afraid that you’re afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.”

So the guy asks, “Well isn’t there ANYTHING I can do, doc?”

“Hmmm… maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths.” The doctor tells the patient.

“Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?”

“Probably not… but at least you’ll get used to being covered in dirt!”

A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind. Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground. He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning “I need you.”The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely….he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off. Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, “What the hell are you doing? “I got your message,” replied the foreman. “I just wanted to let you know that I was coming.”

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, “Well, aren’t you going to ask me?””Ask you what?” replied the trucker. “If I’m a boy or a girl,” answered the youth.”Don’t matter,” replied the trucker. “Gonna fuck ya anyway.”

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.