Category: dirty jokes

One day a daughter went to her father and asked for a prom dress. The father said, “if you give me a blowjob I will bye you the prettiest dress in the store!” She said “your gross dad” and went on her way. Two weeks before the prom she again asked her father for the dress, he replied “you know what to do, if you give me a blowjob, you will get the dress!” She again replied “your sick dad” and went on her way. Three days before the prom she again asked her dad for the dress, he again said “you know what to do to get the dress” except this time she agreed! After she got through giving him a blowjob she said “damn dad, your dick taste like shit!” He said ” I know, your brother needed to barrow the car!

Q&A’s about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:

Q: Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?
A: It’s his photo ID.

Q: What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing – “yet”.

Q: How do you play Talibutthead bingo?
A: B-52…F-16…B-1…

Q: What is the Talibuttheads national bird?
A: Duck.

Q: How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What does Salami Bin Coward and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What’s the difference between the Talibuttheads and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket.

Q: What’s the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: Why don’t Salami Bin Coward’s people eat turd sandwiches?
A: They hate bread.

Q: Why don’t the Talibuttheads have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: The camels can’t handle it.

A worker on a construction site of a high rise building climbed all the way to the top of the building before realizing that he needed a second pair of hands to accomplish the task he had in mind.

Not wanting to climb all the way back down, and also realizing that no one would hear him if he yelled, he signaled to the foreman on the ground.

He pointed first to himself, then his knee, and then the foreman, meaning “I need you.”

The foreman waved back and then started acting very strangely….he unzipped his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and proceeded to jerk off.

Totally confused and rather alarmed, the worker ran down all fourteen stories of the high rise, staggered over to the foreman and gasped, “What the hell are you doing?

“I got your message,” replied the foreman. “I just wanted to let you know that I was coming.”

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.”This is Capt Johnson. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.”Well,” says the skipper, “first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I’m gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.”Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She’s so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, “No need to run, dear, he’s gotta take a shit first!”

Q: What time is it when Michel Jaxon goes to sleep?

A: When the big hand is on the little hand!

Three generations of prostitutes were on vacation and discussing their profession when the youngest mentioned how upset she was that she was only recieving $100 dollars to give a blow job. Her mother then told her of how about 25 yrs. earlier she herself had only been getting $50 dollars for a blow job. The grand mother, after hearing all of this pipes up and says, “I remember back during the Great Depression, we were just happy to get something warm in our stomach!”

Tom, the town handy man was called on to install wall to wall carpeting for the mayor’s wife.

Arriving early, Tom spent all day installing the carpet.

Just as he was finishing, the mayor’s wife decided the carpet was the wrong color.

Arriving early the next day, he pulled up the old carpet and put down the new.

Again just as he was about to leave, the mayor’s wife came in and declared the nap of the carpet was all wrong.

The third day he arrived early again determined to lay the new carpet and get out of the house before the mayor’s wife could find something wrong with this carpet.

As he was rounding up his tools to go home he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room. He felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes, they were gone.

After spending three days carpeting the same house he was not about to take the carpet back up. Finding a two by four he pounded the lump smooth.

Carrying his tools back to his truck, Tom spotted his cigarettes on the seat of the truck at the same moment he heard the mayor’s wife say, “Have you seen my parakeet?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A man said
“fuc off” HA HA HA!

Q: Why do tampons have strings?

A: So you can floss when you get done eating…

There was this guy at the patent office counter and said,” I want to patent this Peach.” The clerk asked,”What’s so special about your peach?”The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,”wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!”Then the next guy walks up and said,”I want to patent this cookie!”The clerk said,”now what is so special about your cookie?”In return the guy said, “It tastes like a woman’s snatch!” The clerk said “I gotta try this” so he took a bite. He then said,” Oh man, this tastes like shit!” The man at the counter said, “Turn it around!”

How can you tell when barbies got her period?

The tick tacs are missing.

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, er, female juices.”But you’re balder than I am,” protested the customer.”True,” admitted the barber, “but you’ve gotta admit I’ve got one hell of a moustache!”