Category: dirty jokes

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAN WHO FELL FROM THE
SKY. HE FELL WITH A FUD.

This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing ’em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont – as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

“Name’s Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…havin’ a party Saturday…thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” Sam says, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops. “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem…after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them.”

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

“Damn!” Sam thinks, “tough crowd…sounds like the Redwood Run.” “Well,” he says, “I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties too.”

“Now that is not a problem,” says Sam, “remember, I’ve been alone for six months. I’ll definitely be there! By the way…what should I wear to the party?”

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want…it’s just gonna be the two of us.”

What is the funniest thing in the kitchen?

A. The washing machine that takes the piss out of your pants

What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

How does Hellen Keller drive?

One hand on the wheel and one hand on the road.

Adam must have been some kind of a nut! Who else would sit next to a naked
woman and eat apples instead of nipples.

A man wakes up every morning and takes a shower, shaves and goes to work. One morning, the man wakes up with an erection looks at the clock and sees he is late for work. so the man skips the shower and shaves, while he is shaving he drops the razor and cuts off his penis.

his penis looks up at him and says “fourty years of fist fighting and you pull a knife?”

There was a promiscuous young couple making out in the back seat of a car. Temperatures were rising and things were getting pretty intense, and finally the girl gasped, “Oh darling, darling, kiss me where it smells.”So he drove her to the local sewerage plant.

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”The neightbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it. Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn’t worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”

there was a girl named suzie likes
and she lives in a town called tilit hurts
in a pub called the cockwell inn
her address, suzie likes
the cockwell inn
tilit hurts

The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. “Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.” The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.”Young lady,” he finally announced, “no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven’t any milk!””Of course not!” she shrieked. “It’s not my child, it’s my sister’s!”

On Fred’s 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Fred’s 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.”What do you mean you don’t want me to do it any more”, she said baffled by his actions.”I just don’t want you to hold me anymore”, replied Fred.”Why, is there someone else”?”Actually there is,” Fred shamefully admitted.”Well what does she have that I don’t have”?”Parkinsons”, replied Fred.