Hospital test

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.The security guard asked: “What’s going on?”To which the drunk replied: “I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

It was another Payday, and I was tired of…

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr.
Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the
corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and
whispered, “Hey Sweetart, how’d you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a
Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and,
Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn’t help but grab her
delicious Mounds ’cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had
the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a
Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she
started to scream, “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew
it wouldn’t be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave
her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into m&m, but I
said, “Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff.” I then said, “Look you little
Reece Piece, don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you just take
my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O’ Honey?” (What a piece of
Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, “Oh, Crackerjack, you’re
better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky
Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was givin’ it too her Good ‘n’ Plenty, when all of
a sudden…my Starburst.
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine
months later, out popped……..a Baby Ruth.

At the blood donor clinic

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”

Morticians

Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.

The second smiled, “That’s nothing” he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them.

The third grinned and said “You two didn’t have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.

Milking The Cows

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.The young man said “I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues and says ” it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.”The uncle says with a confused look ” Um son we don’t have a cow…We have a bull!”

Chicago

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.

The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”

Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”

Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.

“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”

Bob says, “I’m gettin’ it on with Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

In the Emergency Room

A guy shows up at the emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his head.The doctor asks the guy how this came to be…”I was playing at that new course out in the country. Because of the only bad tee shot I’ve made in my life, my ball ended up in the cow pasture. While I was out there looking for it, some fat broad hit her ball into the same place.””So we’re both out there searching, and she’s swearing like she just invented it and beating the hell out of the forage with her club. I find a ball. She claims it’s hers, and we end up continuing to search for the other one while she bitches and I listen. Finally, I know I’ve looked everywhere except where some real cows are standing.””So I pick up the cows’ feet one by one, but there’s no ball under a cow. Now there’s only one other chance. I lift up the biggest cow’s tail, and sure as hell, there’s a golf ball! When I turned to the fat broad, the ball fell out. I pointed under the tail and said ‘Does that look like yours?'”