Category: dirty jokes

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore,
Humpty Dumpty blew on the floor,
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Lay the bitch down and fucked her again.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey– you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl’s Jr. Condom: If it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face…
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: “Reach out and touch someone.”
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going….
M&M condom: “It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!”
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter!
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta’s ready when you are!
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United!
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

What do you get when you cross a midget with a whore?
A little fucker

WHAT DO YOU DO TO A BLACK KID THATS JUMPING ON THE BED THEY STICK ON THE STILLING BECUASE OF VELCROW TO GET THEM DOWN SAY CHICKIN READY!

A drunk man walks into a bar and says, “I’m gonna take a dump on all of you except for…you! Why me? Because I’m gonna wipe my ass with you!

Q. whats the difference between a moskito and a blonde?

A. WHEN YOU HIT A MOSKITO IT STOPS SUCKING

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blonde: “Sir, did you call for me?”

New Man: “No, I just got here.”

Blonde: “You must be new here, it’s a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me.” The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: “Sir, did you call for me?”

New Man: “No, I just got here.”

Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me.” The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist…

New Man: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.”

Receptionist: “But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….”

New Man: (Rudely interrupting) “Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.”

A woman goes into the doctors office and says “Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they don’t smell…In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!”The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, “Take these for a week and then come back to see me.”A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, “Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?”Doctor: ” Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing…”

One morning recently
A young woman
Got out of bed
Slipped into her robe
Raised the shade
Uncovered the parrot
Put on the coffee pot
Answered the phone
And heard a masculine voice say:
“Hello, honey. My ship just hit port
And I’m coming right over.”
So the young lady
Took the coffee pot off the stove
Covered up the parrot
Pulled down the shade
Took off her robe
Got into bed
and heard the parrot mumble,
“Kee-rist, what a short day that was!”

A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian.

The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied “I’m sorry, we
don’t serve minors to lickers.”

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he’d be able to see when he woke up in the morning.

The next morning she came into Herbie’s room to make sure he’d prayed hard the night before.

‘Well then, open your eyes and you’ll know that your prayers have been answered.’

Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, ‘Mother! Mother! I still can’t see!’

‘I know, dear,’ said his mother. ‘April Fool!’