Category: dirty jokes

What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? The captains log.

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ”Beerrr!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,”lemonadeee!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ”wheeeeeeeee!!!”’

this guy walks into a a whore house and ask if thers someone that he could have sex with for $5 bucks.the lady says no im afraid not sir.then he replies there has to be someone here plz im beging you.the lady say ok there in that room.he pays the lady and goes up into the room and the girl is already spread eagle.so he poceeds to have sex with her and all of the sudden white stuff comes out of he mouth and eyes.he freaks out and runs back down stairs and tells the lady and she replyes earl the dead girl is full again

Quirky Business Signs

* On the door of a dental office: We cater to cowards!”

* On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

* On the trucks of a local plumbing company: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

* Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

* Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

* In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

* Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!”

* On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

* In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

* On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

* At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

* In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait!”

A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says “Stop that and put it away!” The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.”Okay, what’s so funny?”asks the cop.”Fooled you.”says the drunk “I put it away, but I didn’t stop.”

After surgery, a man wakes up drowsily in the hospital.

He screams to the nurse, “I can’t feel my legs!”

“Of course you can’t,” she replies.

“You’ve had your arms amputated.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

what do you get when you have sex

a stiffe

A young man is starting his first ever job at a morgue. The boss of the
morgue thinks, “I’ll throw him in at the deep end on his first day,
give him a real challenge”. So he takes the young man to a door, and
he tells the young man, “Behind this door is a room with nothing in
it apart from a dead old woman lying completely naked on a slab. You have
to go in and inspect her body.”

“Inspect her body?” the young man asks.

“Yes”, replies the Boss, “Check if everything’s
OK”

So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits
outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out
of the room.

“Everything OK?” asks the boss.

“Yes”, answers the young man, “Except one thing. She’s got
a prawn stuck up her cunt.”

“She’s got a prawn stuck up her cunt!!?”, exclaims the boss,
astonished.

“Yes”, replies the young man.

The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room,
and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young
man says, “See, I told you”.

“That’s not a prawn, that’s her clittoris!”, explains the
boss.

“Well, it tasted like a prawn”, answers the young man.

The first vampire goes into a bar and asks the tender for a glass of blood.

The tender says ok and gives it to him.

The second does the same, but when the third vampire comes in he asks for a glass of water.

Shocked the tender asks “Why are you asking for a glass of water?”.

Calmly, the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bloody tampon and said, “It’s tea time!”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

your mamas teeth are so BIG that when she sneezed she stabbed her chest!

Q. What did one gay sperm say to another?
A. How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?” The witness: “Yes, sir.” The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?” The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.” The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?” The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”