Category: dirty jokes

Q: what is the worst part about eating a vegatable????

A:getting it back in the wheelchair

A guy walked into the doctor’s office wanting a an appointment for some surgery.”Would you like to tell me your problem?” the pretty receptionist asked. “I’ll need the information for the doctor.””It’s rather embarrassing,” the guy stammered. “You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.””Well, the doctor is very busy today,” the receptionist cooed, “but maybe I can squeeze you in.”

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.”It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and freak out.””That’s very sensible, sir.”At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.”Get my brown pants.”

Why was Tiger looking in the toilet?

He was loking for Poo bear!!!

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.”Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.””Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!””Not so,” replied the other captain.”After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!””You sick bastard,” replied the cop.”Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?””Sure,” said the captain.”What about ’em?!””Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”

A little kid is walking down the footpath with a flat frog tied to a peice of string. He walks into the Brothel and walks to the front desk and says “i would like to have sex with your disesed woman please.” the lady at the desk says “why do you want to do that?”
the boy said “if i have sex with her i will get the disease then i will go home and the baby sitter will have sex with me and when dad takes the baby sitter home hes going to bonk her brains out then when he comes back he will have sex with my mum and when dad goes to work in the morning mum will have sex with the milk man and i hope the milkman dies from that disease because he is the on who ran over my bloody frog!!!!

how do you get a fag to fuck a chick?

……… shit in her pussy!

your mamma is like a tv. A 2 year old turns her on

How is a woman like a road?

-Both have manholes.

What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan? One dead person in ten trashcans!

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…”

Q. What does a black person and a shiny red apple have in common?

A. They both look good hanging from a tree.