Category: dirty jokes

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?

Self-employed!

Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge.

The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.

When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel’s wife smiled demurely, “Don’t worry about it, this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand.”

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.” The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, “Gambling.” “Gambling?,” he says.”What sort of gambling?” “Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?” The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money.”I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!” The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?” “Ok, have it your way,” said the president, and they shook hands on it.”See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning,” said the little old lady, and with that she left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.”Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president.”He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?” “No, perfectly understandable,” said the president.”Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.”Not so fast!” said the little old lady.”For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.” The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.”Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.”What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.”Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, “My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.”

The second little boy pipes up, “Well, my Dad smokes too! and he can blow smoke out of his ears.”

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.”

“Really, have you seen it?” reply the boys.

The third boy responds, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains in his underwear.”

Jackson was acquitted because his defence proved he was not responsible for his own actions.

It turns out Jackson is a crack addict.

Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.His business manager says, “Sean, what’s the story? Do you need an operation or something?”Sean Connery says, “No, it’s just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I’m taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, “Hey! Are you Sean Connery?”

1. Can I bum a fag off you?

2. I’ll toss you for the next shout!

3. Can I help you push your stool in?

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. “You can’t make any noise,” she warns him. “My parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us!”

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man’s bladder. “I have to go,” he says.

“Well you can’t go upstairs, it’s right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replies. “Use the kitchen sink”. So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks… “Do you have any toilet paper?”

What’s grosser than gross?

Finding pubic hair in your bloody mary.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.”Incredible!,” says his friend.”Medical science is amazing.”Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.”Incredible!,” says his friend.”Medical science is amazing!”Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

How did the mother know her daughter was masterbating during her period?She was caught red-handed.

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.’Wow,’ comments the midget, ‘those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!’ Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.’Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,’ says the little fellow, ‘but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.’ Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says loudly, ‘Okay, hand me your wallet or I’ll jump off the ladder.’