Category: dirty jokes

your momma is so ugly shes just ugly.

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg? Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war. Interviewer: How did you get that hook? Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife. Interviewer: What about your eyepatch? Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye. Interviewer: And that put your eye out? Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!”

One night a drunk is walking down the sidewalk holding
his car keys out in front of him. He ends up walking into
a police officer.

The officer says to the man,”sir are you ok?”

“Officer someone just stole my car!”

“Now sir how do you know someone stole your car?”

The man replies,”Well, the last time I saw it, it
was at the end of my key!”

The officer says,”Jesus Christ your drunk, for
God’s sake I should arrest you for indecent exposure,”
pointing to the man’s crotch,”you have your dick
hanging out of your pants!”

The man looks down and says “Holy shit!”

“Now what?”

“Someone just stole my girlfriend!”

Once there where 3 men one from Australia one from England and one from USA. The 3 guys had opened a pub in irland and they were choosing a name for it.
The Australian guy said what about the aussies, the other two said no to aussie. the the Amrican said what about the Yankies, but the other 2 said to Amrican and then the English guy said what about the queens leg all of them agreed so the pub was called the queens legs.
On the opening night there was a sign out the front and people saying come in come in come and see under the queens legs.

A San Francisco tourist is taking a stroll through Golden Gate Park when he�s attacked by three horny sailors.They strip him, tie him over a tree branch so he can�t move and butt fuck him repeatedly, then leave him tied-up and helpless. Hours later he spies a policeman through the trees and calls for help. The cop strolls over. “Well Hello! What have we here?” the cop asks. The poor tourist quickly relates his ordeal with the sailors. “Really?”, says the cop, �It�s not your day for uniforms . . . as the cop unzips his fly,. . . now is it sir?”

humpty dumpty fucked a hore humpty dumpty fell off a wall all the kings horses and all the kings men bent the bitch over and fucked her agian

One day a kid was walking down the street and was getting all of these funny looks.He waent to his girlfriends house and her mom ansered the door.She screamed and said that he wasn’t aloud to see her any more.When he went home more people were starring and laughing.As he walked to his room his mother said that he had to go to the doctor. He didn’t know what she meant. When they got there the nurse got them in right away. As they were waiting for the doctor he glanced in the mirror.”Oh shit my nose looks like my dick but bigger!” The Doctor came in and said that his body was making up for not being big in the pants.

The teacher called on Johnny to solve the next question. “There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence”, she said, “and the farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?.
Johnny thinks a second and says “none”.
The Teacher asked him how he figured that. “Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away”.
The teacher said “That’s not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking”.
Then Johnny says “Now can I ask you one?”.
The teacher said okay. Johnny says “There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?.
The teacher says, “Why, the one that’s licking it” to which Johnny answered “Wrong. It’s the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking…”

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

“It’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?”

The man replied, “No, but it can pick up dates.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Did you hear there is a new movie out about the Kennedys?

It’s called Three Funerals and a Wedding.

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?

Self-employed!

Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis