Category: dirty jokes

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. “What are you doing?” she asks. “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress!! Don’t you like it?” I’ll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over” replies the mom.
When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. “Now what are you doing?” “Mom, it’s my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!”
Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: “Honey, what are you doing?” she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, “It’s my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?” Her husband thinks long and hard and says, “I think you should have ironed it!”

how did hellen keller brake her arm ? : she tried to read a stop sign going 50mph

One day J-l went to the club. Angry femals were mad cuz j-lo was welcomed with a red carpet. This happen every week so they all decided next time j-lo came they would dig in there paints and welcome j-lo with a blood-red carpet.

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he’s excited. He’s especially thrilled because he gets to play two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can’t wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie starts, and it’s the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, everything…and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, “I’m only here for the music.”

The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, “We’re only here to see our dog.”

A man was on an aeroplane and he needed to go to the toilet. He told the stewardess and she said okay but not to touch the T.R button. So he went to the toilet and after he did his buisness he found the T.F button(toilet flush). The T.O button(tap on) and he finally found the T.R button. He pressed it thinking what could be wrong with it. Next thing he knows he is in hospital with the stewardess standing over him he asked why he was there. She replied he pressed the T.R button(tampon remover)!

Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got
laid a minute ago.”

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him.

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.”

“I’m celebrating, too,” she replied, clinking glasses with him.

“What are you celebrating?” he asked.

“For years I’ve been trying to have a child,” she answered, “Today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“Congratulations,” the man said, lifting his glass.

“As it happens, I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they’re finally fertile.”

“How did it happen?”

“I switched cocks.”

“What a coincidence,” she said, smiling.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

omg this wun tyme i farted nd it like smelt horrible nd then like a squirril came nd smelt it nd then it sufficated nd then it died

R*I*P-squirel muffins

made by***T&N***

What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?Two Test Tickles

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, “I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?””Yeah, it’s really bad whenever it rains,” she replies.”Well, then,” says the Doc, “Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it.”Two weeks later it�s raining really hard and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office. “Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please you have to help me!!””Well, let’s have a look,” he says as he lifts her up onto the table.”Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am this won’t hurt a bit.”The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. “There you go, ma’am, try that.”She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, “That’s great, Doc, what did you do?!”To which the doctor replied, “I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots.”

Ed and Ted went to the fair.

They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look.

“What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the crowd.

“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine.” he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.

“Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.”

“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.

“No you can’t.” said Ted.

“I sure as hell can!” said Ed.

“You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster,” said Ted.

“Watch this,” said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back.

After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur.

But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. “Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?” Ted asked.

“Remember three months ago,” Ed said…”When my wife had whooping cough?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.