He Is Going To Die

Two guys are out hunting and the one stops to take a pee and while he has his penis out he gets bit on the head of his penis by a snake.

The other hunter takes out his cell phone to call his family doctor to ask what he should do for his friend.

The doctor replies, “make a small incision between the two fang marks and suck the poison out and then take him to the hospital for further treatment”.

The hunter that was bitten asked his friend what the doctor said and the other hunter replied “you’re gonna die”.

Nasty Tampons

This 14 year old girl was to lazy to throw away her tampons so decided to start throwing them in the basement. Well,34 years came by and her basement was flooded in tampons. She got an idea to put a contest in the newspaper, “The first person to stay down in my basement for 48 hours I will sign a check for him/her for $3,000. The first person came,went down her basement and came back up with puke all over his face and left after 10 minutes. The second went down and came back up 24 hours later askin her how she expects anybody to stay down there. The third person came and came back up 48 hours later and the lady shocked asked him how he did it. He replied “It smelled really gross down there but it was fine since u left me some pizza rolls to eat.

Guards Wouldnt let them

One day i was out looking for a Birthday present for my sisters 19th birthday and as i was walking down the card isle and spotted something that looked like it would be good….But before i tell you the joke you need to know that my all of my sisters x boyfreinds have either been in jail or are on their way to jail so back to the card….
On the front it said
Hey Sis i was going to get all of your x boyfreinds to sign this card for you…..then when you opened it up it said However the guards wouldnt let them have any sharp objects!!!

The ventriloquist

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. “Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog.”The farmer replied, “Well, you know, dogs don’t talk.”The ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?”The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.”Hi there, Mr. dog,” said the ventriloquist. “How does the farmer treat you?” To which the dog replied, “Oh, he’s great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!”Needless to say, the farmer was dumfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer’s horse.”Well, you know, horses don’t talk.”Again the ventriloquist said, “You’d be surprised what a horse might tell you.” So the farmer brought out his horse. “Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?” asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, “Oh, I think he’s great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!”Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, “Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?””Well,” declared the farmer, “Sheep lie, ya’ know.”