Category: dirty jokes

What does a 77-year old pussy taste like ?………….. ……………………………………………………………………………………….well, Depends

There’s a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later. When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctor’s only reaction to this was…”It’s good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing….”

Your momma is so fat that every time she exhales Pluto goes farthere out into space.

Why do women pass less gas than men? Because women don’t keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!

Why was the gay sergeant fired?

He was caught drilling the platoon.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Amanpreet pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he’d first had sex.

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly.

It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Amanpreet recalled.

“That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.

“Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

“Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?” …..

“Baaaaaaa.”

A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait.The man replies “This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love ’em”.The luckless man asks “But why do you smell each one?””Well..” he replies, ” he’s a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there”.

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to a place where they can cross and proceed.Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, “I’ve always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate in a stream.” The other woman looks around and says, “well, I don’t see anyone around, now’s your chance!” The first woman drops her hiking shorts and squats. As she begins to urinate, she looks down. “Holly shit!” she exclaims, “I just pissed on a man in a canoe!” Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. “Calm down,” she says. “That wasn’t a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection.”

The young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant. “Doctor,” she explained, “the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts.

He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

“Young lady,” he finally announced, “no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven’t any milk!”

“Of course not!” she shrieked. “It’s not my child, it’s my sister’s!”

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung!!

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!””Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, no one was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. ”Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman.”Do you know anything about this at all?””No, constable”, said the man.”Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

A junkyard owner went to the pound to get a dog to keep the (ethnics) from stealing all his hubcaps. He saw a German Shepherd he liked, but the man said he had something better. He saw a huge doberman which had to be the one, but the man said he had something better. Then he saw a 200 pound, fat-as-shit pit bull laying in a corner cage.The dog was a gross, drooling mess and was licking his balls. The man said, “this is about the laziest and grossest animal I have ever seen? How can he possibly solve my (ethnic) problem?” The dog owner said “Sir, this dog just ate an adult (ethnic) whole!” “Holy shit! Well, why is he licking his balls?” “To get the taste out of his mouth.”