Category: dirty jokes

Q: How do you define confusion?
A: Father’s Day in Harlem

Q: Now define utter confuion?
A: A blind lesbian in a fish market.

There was this couple once who had everything; the son and daughter, a house, a cat… I mean the basic stuff. Well I guess as the got older they started to lose their sex drive. This discouraged the husband so he went to the doctor and got some extra strength Viagra even though it was still in its trial phase. Well the doctor told him, “only one pill a day, and I’ll call you at the end of the week.” So the doctor calls at the end of the week and asks how well the pills are working. The man replies, “Oh their great! I haven’t had sex like this for 10 years!” The doctor tells him to “keep it up, and remember… only ONE pill a day.” The wife found out however and started slipping him an extra pill each day without him knowing. So when the doctor called and asked how everything was holding up the man replied, “I’m addicted! I haven’t had sex like this since I was 16!” Now the doctor was kind of suspicious but just let it go and decided to call him at the end of next week. Meanwhile, the greedy wife (who was loving it) started giving him 3 doses of xtra strength viagra a day. The doctor called at the same time next week, but this time a little boy answered the phone. “Are your parents there?” the doctor asked. “Well… they are but there locked in their room and won’t come out.” The boy answered. “Ok.. I’ll call back in 3 hours.” The doctor promised; but when he called back the boy answered the phone again. “You just missed them… they came down and got a drink and ran right back upstairs.” The boy informed him. “Listen I’ll be there in 5 minutes!” The doctor by this time had a pretty good idea what was going on and rushed over there as fast as he could; but being unreliable, he got there an hour later. When he knocked on the door the little boy answered the door. In desperation the doctor asked where the boy’s parents were. The boy took a deep breath and said, “Mom’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts, and dad’s looking for the cat.”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

The judge came home and found his wife in bed
with his very best friend.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”
“See,” the wife said to the man beside her,
“I told you he was stupid.”

Your a homalsexul NO dick NO fanny NO tecticals the only dick you have is on your head DICKHEAD.

One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didn’t know how to play golf, so her husband signed her up for lessons. So the following week, she went to her first lesson. The insructor explained the way that she was supposed to stand and what position would be best for her. Then he tried to show her how to handle the club, it wasn’t working out very well, so he told her to pretend that the club was her husband’s manhood. At the end of the lesson the instructor said this, “Ma’am, you did very well for your first lesson, but next week let’s try to keep the club out of your mouth.”

Got in trouble for watching a woman breast feed her baby at the mall, she got mad and told her husband to beat the shit out of me….now I admit the flashbulb may have made the baby cry….

There was this girl called shagalot and her mam goes out to do some shopping . The milk man comes and sees shagalot in her silk dressing gown . the milk man says i will give you another bottle of milk if you take your clothes off and shagalot says ok so she takes her clothes off.the milk man next sasy i will give you another bottle of milk if we can go into your bed room shagalot says ok and does so.the milk man then says i will give you another bottle of milk if i can have sex with you then her mam comes in and goes upto her room and says SHAGALOT!!! the mmilk man then says I AM TRYING AM TRYING !!

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for…but what’s the BEER for?”

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!”

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ”Beerrr!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,”lemonadeee!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ”wheeeeeeeee!!!”’

An 83-year old woman decided that she’d seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn’t certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

Seven out of ten people write with a felt tip.
What do the other three do when their tip is felt?

Twos company, threes an orgy.

My girls got a 39.37 insh bust.Id love to metre.

Why do prostitutes keep parrots?
I guess they can always do with a cockatoo.

One in the bush is better than two in the hand.

Oral sex should be heard and not obcene.

People who live in a glass house should screw in the basement.

Twos a party , threes a squeeze.

Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and its gone.

An erection is like the theory of relativity.The more you think about it the harder it gets.

I see my girl regularly-But theres no hard feelings.

List of possible slogans promoting National Condom Week

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don’t be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you’re undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!