Category: dirty jokes

How did Michael Jackson get food posioning? He ate a nine year old weiner.

Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Question-If you go to a hospital how would you know witch one was the head nurse????????Answer- The one with the dirty knees….

Three marines were stranded on a desert island with a lovely young blonde.After about 6 months the blonde, being so ashamed of what she had been doing, killed herself… About a year later, the marines, being a little ashamed of what they had been doing, buried her!!!

A traveling salesman was driving down a country road one day and saw a farmhouse. He says to himself, “That looks like a good place to peddle my pots and pans.

He pulls up in the driveway and goes up to the front door and knocks.

After waiting for what seems a reasonable amount of time he knocks again. Still no answer. As he starts to leave he notices a little boy playing in the back yard.

“Little boy. Is your mother home?”, shouts the salesman.

The little boy nodds in a beckoning fashion so the salesman follows him around the house and when he steps up on the back porch.

He looks through the window to see the little boys mother is in a back room getting it on with a billy goat.

The salesman says, “Little boy, do you know what your mother is doing in there?”

The little boys nodds again.

“That doesn’t bother you!” says the salesman in dismay.

The little boy says, “Na a a a a ah.”

Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd
simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says,

“I hear they’re doing this to women in Chicago!”

After a long sequence of lovemaking, the doctor glanced adoringly at his lady love, who dozed next to him. Suddenly, he felt a sharp pang of guilt.”Relax, Howard,” he told himself. “You�re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.””No,” another inner voice says.., “but, you�re a veterinarian!”

A man and his girlfriend finally decided to get married. They were especially
nervous about their wedding night, because neither of them had ever made
love before.

While at the altar the man whispered to his bride, “I’m
really nervous about tonight. There’s something I have to tell you, and
you’re going to be upset.”

The bride smiled and assured him, “I love you. Whatever it is, we’ll work
it out.”

So he whisperd, “I’m hung like a baby.”

Again she smiles and tells him it will be fine.

So when they get to the hotel room that night, the man reluctantly strips
and turns to face his wife. She takes one look at him and faints dead
away. In a panic he revives her and says, “I told you I was hung like a
baby! 8 pounds, 9 ounces, and 22 inches.”

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
“Open the fucking safe!” he yells at the woman behind the
counter.
“But we’re not a real bank,” she replies, “we don’t have
any money, this is a sperm bank.”
“Don’t fucking argue, open the fucking safe or I’ll blow
your head off!” says the guy with the gun. She obliges and
once she’s opened the safe door the guy says, “Take out one
of the bottles and drink it.”
“But it’s full of sperm!’ she replies nervously.
“Don’t argue, just drink it’ he says. She pries the cap
off and gulps it down.”
“Take out another one and drink it, too!” he demands.
She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the
guy pulls off the mask and to the woman’s amazement it’s
her husband!
“There!” he says, “it’s not that fucking difficult is
it?!”

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were
the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

“Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, “Of course they were cleaned Father.”
“They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells –
“Here Soap! Here Water!”

I owe a great deal to my father.
He got the daughter of the former
owner in trouble and I had to marry her.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man in a trenchcoat
flashes them.

First old lady has a stroke.

Second old lady has a stroke.

Third old lady couldn’t reach.