Category: dirty jokes

What’s green and eats nuts?

Herpes.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Little Johnny is in class and the teacher is at the chalk board. She turns to the class after putting the letter “S” on the board. Ok class, I would like someone to give me a word that starts with the letter “S”. Johnny raises his hand and says “Me me me me.”The teacher says to herself “no way. hes so fouled mouth he will say shit or something.”So she calls on Suzzy. Suzzy says Sunflower.”Very good Suzzy. Then she outs the letter “f” up on the board little Johnny wonce again is saying “ME me me”. She says “Franklin give me a letter thats starts with the letter F.”Franklin says “funny teacher.”Very good Franklin.”This went on for most of the class. Finally she put the letter “R” up on the board. Johnny sat scratching his head like he was thinking real hard. She thought alright I got him.”Johnny can you give me a word that starts with the letter “R”?. Yes. Johnny says.”Rats. teacher.”Very good Johnny.”Then he said “big fucking rats three foot long with sixteen in harry dicks.”The teacher faintede.

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), “Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don’t we take off our panties so’s we be cool” Eloise says, “Oh, I don’t know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed”.So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, “Eloise, honey, I just can’t stand this heat. We jess got’s to take off our panties so’s we be cool”? And Eloise says, “Mary Jane , I juss can’t, I’d be too embarrassed”. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, “Eloise, honey, look up there on the poc’h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I’ll bet she be cool.”And Mary Jane says, “Less go axe her.” So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, “Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc’h of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool”?And the woman says, “Honey child… I don’t no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon”!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

“Well,” said the first one, “I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.”

“I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.”

“I’ve got you both beat,” said the third.

“I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.”

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.

“Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere because I’m too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.”

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor,
‘Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it’s being born.’

The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this.
‘Why don’t you know what color the child is going to be?’

‘Well,’ says the woman, ‘the problem is that I’m a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is.’

‘OK’, says the doctor, ‘I’ll do it for you, but it’s most unusual.’

The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, ‘Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?’

‘Yes, doctor, he was,’ says the woman.

‘Wait,’ says the doctor, ‘the chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?’

‘Yes doctor, he was.’

‘Wait, now the legs are out and they’re light brown. Was one of the actors of mixed race?’

‘Yes doctor, he was.’

So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy ‘waaaaahh’ and starts crying.

‘Oh, thank God for that!’ says the woman, ‘for a moment there I thought it might bark.’

Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

This pregnant woman got shot 3 times in the stomach while pregnant with triplets. The bullets went into all 3 of the babies. The doctor told the mother that the bullet will come out of their bodies at age 14.

At age 14, one of the girls comes up to the mom and says I went to the bathroom and pissed out a bullet. The mom explains the story to her daughter. The second daughter comes up to her mom and says mom i just pissed out a bullet. The mom explains the story to her. The son comes up to his mom and the mom says let me guess u pissed out a bullet. The boy says no i was jerking off and I shot the cat!!!

Representatives of a gay staffed life-insurance firm are said to
refer disparagingly to the agents of a competitor as “the straights of
Gibraltar”.

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!”. . . On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…”. The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. “Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again, “. . . On the road again . . .”The M.A. is totally unimpressed…”So what?” he says.”Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”, the guy asked. “Are you kidding?” says the M.A. “Any asshole can sing country music!”

Bruce and Joe were down on their luck and needed a beer.After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents,Bruce came up with a brilliant idea.”I’ll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!” He went into a butcher’s shop and bought a single sausage,which he stuck in Joe’s fly. They then went to a nearby bar.”Two beers,” said Bruce to the barman. They downed the beers as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Joe’s fly.”Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!” the barman screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.”I just can’t do this anymore,” Bruce whined.”My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. We’ll have to swap places.””We can’t,” said Joe.”We lost the sausage after the third pub.”

Your Momma is so fat that she thought my SUV was a hotwheels car.

There is a cabbage a cucumber and a penis on a shelf. One day the cucumber is crying so the other two ask what is wrong. He says when I get big fat and juicy I get chopped in half and I get eaten and the other two say there really sorry for him.
The next day the cabbage is really upset so the other two go over and ask what is wrong. He says when I grow big fat and juicy I get chopped into lots of little pieces and get eaten. And the other two are really upset for him.
The next day the penis is crying his eyes out so the cabbage and cucumber go over and ask what is wrong and he says when I get big fat and juicy I get a rubber tent shoved over my head get rammed into a dark hole and get bounced off the walls until im sick.