Category: dirty jokes

Why is a bowling ball like a hooker?

Cos they both get picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley.

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

“These, senor,” replied the waiter in broken English, “are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.”

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, “These cojones, or whatever you call them…are much smaller than the ones I had last night.”

“Yes, senor,” replied the waiter, “You see…the bull, he does not always lose.

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she’s a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it’s like for her.Mom: So…. now that you’ve started dating, what’s it like getting intimate with young men?Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn’t working for me.Mom: How?Daughter: Oh, stuff….Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it’s important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters…Daughter: I don’t know…..Mom: Now don’t forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.Daughter: Really?Mom: Really…Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked, “Is anything happening?”

The doctor replied, “Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don’t think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily.”

The vet said, “okay” and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet. “How did things go while I was gone?”
“Pretty good.”
“Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?”
“Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone’s doing fine.”
“Did you have any trouble?”
“Well, there was just one little problem.”
“What was that?”
“I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!”

At a U.N. meeting the American ambassador turned to
the Japanese ambassador and whispered, “When was your last election?”
The Japanese ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, “before
bleakfast.”

One night a man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful women sitting at the bar. He walked up to her and asked “how much is it for a hand job?”

The women replied ” $500 dollars sir”

“$500 dollars! That�s a lot of money are you any good?”

“Well sir you see that car out there?”

The women pointed to a sleek black Dodge Viper.

“Yes,” said the man.

“Well, I paid for that car with all the money I made doing hand jobs”, with that statement the man agreed to the service.

The next night the same man walked into the same bar and went up to the same beautiful women and asked “Miss, do you do blow jobs?”

�Why yes I do, it costs $80″

“$80 Wow!, are they any good because that�s a lot of money.”

“Well you see that building out there?”

The woman pointed to a company office building.

“Yes” said the man.

“Well, I paid for that company with all the money I’ve made doing blow jobs!” the man agreed and the women did the service.

The very next night the same man walked into the same bar and went to the same beautiful woman at the bar and asked “Miss would you have sex with me?”

To which the woman replied, “You see that island out there?”

The woman pointed to Manhattan Island, the man said “don’t tell me, you paid for that island with the money you made by having sex with people?”

“No, but I could have bought that island with the money I made by having sex with men if I had a vagina!”

Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco one filled with lesbians and the other filled with gays. Who got there first and why?The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gays were still at home packing their shit.

Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.”Excuse me, sir” he asked the old gentleman, “where did you get all this money?””Vell, I’ll tell you,” the old man began, “for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say ‘Give me a dollar for Israel or I’ll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'””That’s quite a story,” the customs agent said, “what’s in the second suitcase?””Vell, you know,” said the old man, shaking his head, “not everyone likes to give…”

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked: “What’s going on?”

To which the drunk replied: “I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he’s amazed by the indoor plumbing. He’s so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.

One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, “You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I’m sure it’s the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a gay man.”

The hick says, “How can you tell?”

The inspector says, “It’s dented on one end.”

hey heres an idea! why dont you go try to fall on that pavment/ice so you can get a face implant!